Tag: Heroes

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Knights in Tarnished Armour

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been soul searching and writing . Both of these tasks are ever so tiresome and viciously mentally exhausting.  I don’t know how fruitful the quest was but I have definelty learned a thing or two about my self. Wether it is for the better or not is yet to be seen. 

In a ‘Branding’ work shop I was learned two things; one- that my brand is not one of Genre or Style, nor format but actually in character. Meaning that my brand is actually stories that center around caracters that are struggling morally or internally. I have taken the liberty of coining the term, Cognitave Dissonace. Two- ensembles, apparently I write an ensemble pretty well. I think that comes from my characterization. I loath murky gray characters such as ‘The hot chick’, ‘The Dumb Badguy’, or ‘The Broken Yet Beautiful Girl’. For me when I create a character they have a back story and specific motivation for each action and for each word of dialogue.

I started to think about the notion that I write characters who are struggling to make decisions of morality  well. I guess I have an obtuse amount of empathy for someone who is either one having to make a decision under extreme stress and pressure in a time and place that later on can be looked back upon and scrutinized, or two someone who is wanting to make a good decision and struggling with or worried about how they will be perceived. 

Then I stared to think about the characters I write who are the heroes or as in many instances in my work the anti heroes. Writing stories is all about the human experience with failure and struggle and how to deal. Some people, some characters take the up hill in stride others not so much. I like to think that when people have had to deal with certain struggles or certain problems they are later better equipped to deal with those situations. Think about how wood and metal goes through rough sanding in order to look good or fit better for the builders use. Some times we have to go through a rough patch so that  we can be ready for the next one or help another. I also like to think of it as a knight whose Armour is dinged, bent, and tarnished in just the right places so just like cookie dough already in the shape of the cookie cutter the process isn’t so rough.

I think a seeing, listeing, or watching heroes struggles and in some cases succeed because of how their last has tarnished their Armour is comforting to people. Perhaps it’s motivation. Perhaps someone seeing a fictional character who is struggling with something they are struggling with succeed helps them to a thought lpatter. Of, “if they can do it I can do it”.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I do not edit these posts as I want them to be sincere streams of consciousness and not editorials. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Thanks,

Noah