Terrified 

” I’m terrified. I’m terrified and terrorized by a thought. It’s hard to explain how just a thought, a possibility or a maybe can be so simultaneously devastating and fearsomely troubling. I’m scared because I do not believe that any one can nor will ever make me feel the way you made me feel about life, myself and you.”   

~an excerpt from my novel, “Leh Car”.

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We are victims of life

We are victims of life,

Nothing but a side-effect of death.

We cut wounds with our own knife,

Beating back strife with every breath.
***

Down here the walls are paper thin,

Never dampening the sound of isolation.

Instead we are beat into a state of chagrin,

Loudly breaching the barrier of devastation.
***

What is life? Said everyone to us all.

Is it nothing? Nothing but failed attempts at everything?

Metaphoricaly beating our heads against a great stone wall,

Milking and surviving from the hope to which we all cling.
***

Are we suppose to torture ourselves?

As the self loathing narcissist we are,  doomed to sadden.

Collecting nothing but bad memories on a shelf.

And the opposing forces causes us to madden.
***

With good intent we believe in striving for betterment,

But the result is null.

We work hard wanting a better sentiment,

Continuing our efforts and bludgeoning our emotional skull.
***

Dark are the days behind us,

Dark are the days ahead.

Nothing but happy thoughts should we discuss,

Less our happiness be but completely bled.

Nice guys finish last

Nice guys finish last

   I have a huge problem with this sentiment. In part because of the social definition or acceptance of what a “nice guy” is. Another part is the connotation that this expression applies to all so called “nice guy”s. Finally- because everything is better in threes– what it means to finish last. 

   I am a nice guy. I don’t know a lot (beat) but I know this to be true. Of the few constants, in this emotional wreck of a life of mine, being a nice guy is the most prevalent truth. It’s who I am at the core and all the way through to the crest. As much of a self loather as I am the one thing that I can not discount about my self is that I am a nice guy. 

   There are a lot of guys, in this world we call our own, who feign under the label of a nice guy, who are in fact not. I often hear the complaint that, “I don’t have a girlfriend or I can’t find love, girls don’t like me because I’m a nice guy.” Or some variation of that sentiment. I will agree that a number of truly nice guys suffer from exclusion of affection because of how odd and out of the norm a truly nice guy is in our society. Through some sort of happenings some women are put under the impression that being treated poorly is a sign of affection and caring from a guy. (I realize I am a man and have no postion to speak for all women by any means) you can read more about this dilemma here. But basically nice guys striving to be a gentleman can come off as creepy and out of the ordinary and thus purged of the opportunity to cultivate a relationship. 

   This is what bothers me the most about all of this. The poser nice guy, the guy who operates under the label of nice guy blaming his lack of affection, intimacy and love because he is a nice guy. (Again that does happen but not as often) if you claim to be a nice guy and suffer a passion void life because of this and let’s say you give a young lady a ride home from a party, buy her a meal, or do any other perceivably nice thing for some one because you want to have sex with them… 

You are not a nice guy!  

You are a horrible human being, you make me sick and you are one of the reasons some nice guys finish last”. If you then treat said person badly, spread this an altered version of the truth around, or make her feel bad for not returning to you the same feelings… you deserves a slow and painful death in front of your loved ones. Also you are not a nice guy.

I personally know of four female friends who have emparted memories to me that were 100% rape, by all accounts. All four have said, “well he was a nice guy….”. This is so sickeningly sad for many reasons. Not only is it bad that these guys are viewed as nice guys but the four women I am referring to still look back st these events as if they aren’t that bad and the predators can go on living life like defilement didn’t occur. 

You have the right to set boundaries!

You are allowed to express these boundaries!

You are allowed to defend these boundaries!

You are allowed to eliminate those who do not respect these boundaries from your life, and as far as I am concerned, the face of the earth!

So what is a nice guy?

   To give with out the thought of reward, treating others pleasantly no matter what and respecting others wishes are what makes a “nice guy” or person rather. I think you need to find joy in the thankfulness of others in order to be a nice guy. 

   As I said earlier not all nice guys finish last. What I mean by that is for the most part nice guys aren’t finished. A nice guy does not stop being nice. Some nice guys end up in loving happy places. Some nice guys end up self loathing, self deprecating awkward guys who will never achieve love and happiness. And the rest of nice guys live some where inbetween like every other sub group out there. 

   Finally what does it mean to finish last? Does that mean your the last one in and all the “goodens” are already taken? Does that mean you lost what ever the situation was because you were nice or fair? What ever you decide it means to finish last know that it can never be solely because you are a nice guy.

   If your worried about finishing last that means you haven’t finished! Keep going, work harder. Weather that means working on your self or working to find some one to finish with. Because in the end that’s all that matters. What we did while we ran and how we finished. As I’ve said before every morning you should wake up with the intention that, that day you are going to do something that your future self will thank you for and possibly your future partner. Don’t forget what Charlie Brown said, “In life it’s not where you go- it’s who goes with you”.

Then he stepped off of his soap box.

To be honest I have no idea what I am talking about and for all I know I could be an estranged old man walking around the sanitarium, naked, mutter what he thinks to be… advice and wise tales.

   As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 

Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day-

Love,

Noah 

   
    
  

Covering the spread

Covering the spread

   If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime). 

   According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.

   Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.

   I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?

   I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if  you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important,  don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits. 

I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.

   And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws. 

   Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable  with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.

   I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date. 
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 
   

The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at

Dublin Street Pub

 1745 E University Ave

Las Cruces, New Mexico

 88001

United States

  
   
    

   

Stupid time and your relativity 

Time is cray cray. I loath myself for writing that. But it’s true. It’s crazy how yesterday was just the day before and tomorrow will be here soon and right now is already gone. It’s too much for me to handle at times. I am constantly in a phobic state that I may miss something; an experience, a moment, anything… What if I miss something that I could use in something later on. What if I miss a experience that could fit perfectly into a pace of prose that would make it the most epic thing anyone has ever read, but now that I’ve missed it I’m doomed to be another storyteller screaming into the void, the despair pit, the nothingness… What if I suck st life now because I missed something yesterday or the day after I was born or anytime in between. 

   Relativity is unbelievably unascertained amoeba, it has nothing to do with anything and everything to do with everything! We could never measure anything if it weren’t for relativity. An inch is relative to a foot, and a millimetre to a meter and so on… With time relativity is everything. You hear all the time people say as you get older time goes by faster and that’s not a wise tale it’s come poetry true! Think of a three year old. If you were to tell a three year old that in just three years you will be six. (I double checked my math for this one) to that three year old three years is a long time, everything you know, the extent of your knowledge, experiences and your life itself  exist with in three years. It took you three years Now think of a sixty year old. Whom you tell in three years this will happen. They are going to think, “well heck that will be here before you know it” because you’ve experience three years twenty times in your life. Three years is nothing it’s one twentieth of everything you know! (Broke out the calculator for that one) so literally and figuratively three years goes by much faster to a sixty year old compared to a three year old, relatively speaking. Time is relative we wouldn’t be able to measure it out into units with out it. 

   Now how does this effect those with mental and emotional problems. Quite frankly in the worst of ways. For someone experiencing depression time almost stands still as you suffer. For some one experiencing anxiety and pressure time can’t go by faster as your panic burgeons exponentially to the point of an attack. 

    How do I avoid or deal with this?

I don’t know try to avoid and if you have to deal with it.  That is the absolute worst advice. Yep! You can’t control time. You can not manipulate it or traverse it. I know yesterday I threw an unannounced rager for time lords and other time travelers but no one showed. Today I let the world know! Time travelers are either assholes or don’t exist. know that time is out side of your control and all you can do is control what you do and how you feel about the time spent within that spand of time and redundancy. The time is yours do what makes you shoot during it. 

If you have the time and you are in Montanta City please go to  and get the Combination Plate of Gourmet Red BBO Chicken and Huckleberry Pork Ribs they’re amazing! 

4 Mt Hwy 518, Montana City, MT 59634

Thank you so much for reading I hope that you enjoyed it and possibly got something out of it. If you hated it and feel the need to express that disappointment feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com . I’d like to thank and mention Hillary from New Zealand yes my complaints email is heavily inspired by JK Rowling’s Harry Potter series. If you like my writing, stand up set, or any other work feel free to let me know that as well it helps with Atelophobia. Also to answer a question I’ve gotten a lot no I don’t get endorsements or any kind of pay for plugin restaurants. 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Love-

Noah

 
   

    

I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I am a being made of constantly opposing innerds. I am a introverted extrovert,I love the outdoors and air conditioning, I am a self loathing, narcissistic manic depressive who constantly has to talk him self up supportively and down off the ledge as it were. I am a open minded conservative republican with liberalistic tendencies. As a Mason and a Christian I believe whole heartedly in the separation of church and state. I believe in and support both equality and gun rights. I am the type of person who has to make sure everyone at the party is having a good time, while feeling alone. I’m the guy who wants an Agape style, Disney-esque love with romance and all that tenderness crap, who knows he will never have it. I’m the friend who would do anything and stick up for you but may never fully trust anyone. I am by no means anti-social, I believe I am accepting of all people but quite possibly selectively-social. Basically I’m a royally screwed up mess inside and out. That is something I have had to simultaneously come to terms with and deal with.  I’ve often wondered how insane it would be to make my own voodoo doll and give my self a back rub or just a pat on the back. I enjoy being alone but I also feed off of the positivity of others. One moment I can desire to be alone in a room with a book reading or working on a screen, teleplay, novel, short story or music and the next want to be the life of the party. I’m built of nothing but opposites.

One of the reasons I can’t be happy is this insurmountably internal dissonance. If me or what makes up me is so conflicting and constantly at war how could I ever settle into a relaxed state to allow for happiness to cultivate much less prosper. The breakthrough that I wasn’t meant to and can not just be happy, sadly was one of the greatest and most healthy realisations I’ve ever had in therapy. There comes a point where you have to except that which is fact and move on in a positive path. I some times wish or rather envy sociopaths. I wonder how the absence of empathy and emotions would effect me as person and as a storyteller.  I exist to make others feel things; happy, bad, sad, awkward… I think my job as a creator is to make others feel something and hopefully in doing so they look inside their own selves.  

My life and experiences in the military, law enforcement, entertainment and sales has left me with an unruly realisation of the depth of evil people are capable of. I still have an unruly need to help others. All of this results in rapid and unprovoked mood shifts, impulsivity and emotional instability. These are all things you can deal with and control with healthy emotional choices. Learn what tends to lead you into depressive and overly aggressive moods then when you are able to recognise these paths they are easier to avoid. Once you know your triggers, warning signs and red flags you can avoid them. Take the time to examine yourself every ke and again. When you do ask yourself how do I truly feel, unbiased and with out fear of self judgment … how do I feel? Where am I both in consideration of head space and emotionally. 

Also if you are ever in Las Cruces, New Mexico go to A Bite of Belgium at 741 N Alameda Blvd, Unit 16, 88005-2194, United States. Order the omelette and waffles. Your mouthgasm will thank me.

 As always thank you so much for reading. Remember this blog is quite literally nothing more than a stream of consciousness and I do not edit for grammar, spelling, or anything. Again thank for reading I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Mit Liebe,

Noah 

   

  
    
    
 

Focus on the good stuff

There is plenty of the bad in our lives. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness, our own good. Sometimes good times are sent our way. Last weekend I had some the best times sent my way. I was invited to the Writers Guild of America West’s Writers Guild Foundation Veterans Workshop. Where I got to me some of my heroes, people I look up to and aspire to be like for example, Brannon Braga (Star Trek: First Contact, Mission Impossible II, Salem…), Brad Krevoy (Dumb and Dumber, Taking Chance…) Kira Snyder (Incursion, Alphas, The 100…) Jay Kogen ( Simpsons, Everybody Love Raymond, Malcom in the Middle, Fraiser, School of Rock…). The event was helpful, inspiring, and spiritualy uplifting.  Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am one of the most neurotic and self-deprecating individuals out there and normally the only time that I am content is when I’m creating and telling stories all this weekend was a very elevated form of just that.

It was sandwiched between two depressing, disheartening bookends, however I left LA with my head held high. Friday I had a meeting with a huge A-list production company and the two executives told me I had an incredibly marketable and commercial idea and screenplay, they were in pressed with my writing and auteur style, they offered me a lot of money to option with the condition that they hired a more well known writer to re write it so they could attach an a list director. “We would never in trust a 230 million dollar production budget to what Hollywood would consider to be a first time director.” Reluctantly, because I needed the money I told them if it was a different project I wasn’t so close to or wasn’t so close to my heart I would. Any one who has known me for the past year knows I’ve met the “it’s too expensive” pitch reply multiple times this year but I had my hopes up for this one. Then on Monday I met with another large production company who told me they had a different project in mind for their “tent pole “and didn’t want to green light any of my less expensive projects as they weren’t with in their “brand”. 
  But all in all it was a wonderfully insightful and inspiring weekend. Keeping the good times at the forefront of my mind I walked away with a new drive to make it in this industry. Hearing the struggle stories from my heroes really paralleled with me. I have a unique voice and I know I was out here to tell stories and make others happy. Now I just need to make the big move.

Also if you are ever in LA  go to the Honey Pig st 3400 W 8th St, Los Angeles, CA 90005 order the Kimchi and rice. Your taste buds will will you to thank me!

As always thank you for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Thank you for reading-

Noah

  
   

   
    
    
 

Also LA is incredibly expensive like ridiculously expensive the picture below was a mail I paid almost $20 for.