In two days I turn 29.
I wish I had done more with my life.
In two days I turn 29.
I wish I had done more with my life.
So, five days ago, the 31st day of the eight month in the year of our lord 2016 to be exact, I typed the words FADE IN on a new screenplay entitled, “CheateR”. It is the darkest most messed up thing I have ever touched. Literally after I write a scene or a few pages I have to immeadeftly go watch an episode of Cheers, UNDATEABLE, FRIENDS, Scrubs, or listen to stand up or something to digress, relax, and get out of the heavily dark mindset. I am literally having to reach the darkest depths of my creative space, my psyche, my emotionally allegorical pallet with which I tell stories.
What the heck is “immeadeftly”?
I don’t think you quite get how dark this piece is, possibly because most of you know how much I love Disney, fairy tells, and musicals and such…. But I do have a modest infatuation with dark material both inhumor and drama. “inhumor”? In order to get in the mindset and mental space for CheateR, I have to put on headphones or ear buds and blare THE DOORS’s “NOT TO TOUCH THE EARTH”, KATE BUSH’s “WAKING THE WITCH”, THE SWANS’s “WHERE DOES A BODY END?”, KORN’s “TWISTED TRANSISTOR”, ROB ZOMBIE’s “DRAGULA”, PETER GABRIEL’s “WE DO WHAT WE’RE TOLD (MILGRAM’S 37)”, THEORY OF A DEAD MAN’s “BAD GIRLFRIEND” LADY GAGA ‘s “BLOODY MARY”, THROBBING GRISTLE’s, “HAMBURGER LADY”, BUCKCHERRY’s “CRAZY B****”, SUICIDE’s “FRANKIE TEARDROP”, JOY DIVISON’s “HEART AND SOUL”, EMA’s “BUTTERFLY KNIFE”, FIONA APPLE’s “HOT KNIFE”, PRIMUS’s “MR. KRINKLE” and HANSON’s “MMMMMMBOP” as a playlist on a roaring loop with multiple repeated songs over and over again.
I am participating in this depression study, for the free therapy and drugs, which, by the doggone way, I am in this one because I got kicked out of the last one.
That or this rather, is a true hot damn story. I got kicked out of a depression study.
Want to know why?
I was way too depressed according to their findings! Seriously, the study was trying to take a different approach to helping with severe depression instead of antidepressants and uppers. What they did was hook you up to these machines, which must have been on loan from the set of Hemlock Grove. They registered and recorded your emotional responses to different stimuli. Then they would administer different meds accordingly to how your readings came out.
Apparently they got the procedures and concept from a different study where they found out that dogs have a much more happy and desired emotional response to petting and belly rubs than they do treats, a case that clearly needed delving into.I swear on everything this is all true you can look up the dog case study, but I swear this all true. Like you know how annoying people put those emoticons of the 100 with lines under it. I would use it here if I didn’t loath so immensely people who use them.
Anyway, I was told after a month of testing and labs, and psychoanalysis, and Cognitave behavioral therapy, and exposure therapy (Gah! The “and”s in that sentence) I was informed by a panel of mental health professionals, each with different specialties that I was too depressed for the study and they were afraid to test this new treatment on such a subject.
Yep, that happened.
But wait, there’s more!
So for the first study I had to get all of my mental meds out of my system prior to starting the qualifying sessions. For those of you playing the home game, my primary has me on a rather potent pharmaceuticaly chemical cocktail of Welbutrin, Zoloft, Clonozepam, with a Xanax garnish for the occasional anxiety attack. I had to go two to four weeks with out all four before they could start the qualifying testing. If any one wants to know the best way to give a person with depression anxiety take them off their meds for both. So I am in this viciously terrifying vortex of emotional hell for a month.
Then I get to start the testing.
Well what does that entail Noah?
They stick an emotionally wrecked, atelophobic, over stressed, depression patient into, what looks like post apocalyptic torture porn devices, which by the way, helped my anxiety out so well, and proceeded to ask me about my worst fears and how I felt about “my life currently” for another three weeks, also with out my meds. “What’s that doc? How do I feel about my life right now? *Said around a ball gag* I’m kidding, there was no ball gag. I was told I had to leave mine in my truck…
Ahh, umm At the end of those five (possibly worst doggone weeks of my entire bloody life) weeks I was informed that it was all for nothing because I was too depressed. Apparently the technology measuring your emotions is so new that they don’t have charts formulated yet for my level of depression and anxiety much less treatment plans using the new protocol. It was the staff’s and my primary’s medical opinion I go back on my meds ASAP.
Then I went backed on my meds for 4 days, (count them with me 1,2,3,4) that’s four days with all my meds. Which most medical professionals would tell you is right about when you can expect to start to feel results. Anyway four days later The facility called me to let me know they had a new spot in a different study which was a new pharmaceutical company testing a new product that should help with depression anxiety, memory and attention. But no sane person in their right mind would go back
So I’m sitting back in one of them their lovely entrance counsellor’s office when he informs me that if I wanted to take part in this second study I would have to get my meds out of my system, again.
And that is the study I am taking part in now. But by the way on third day after my second detox I went on a week long vacation with my family to the Keys for Lobster Season, a family tradition.
What was I saying? Or talking about?
Oh yeah, “CheateR”.
SO ALL OF THAT HAPPENED AND THEN SOME HOW I CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR , “CheateR”.
So I’m in this depression study and I’m talking to another therapists, one I actually like, a female, not that, that should matter but it’s fact, about this new film and every time we start to talk about it she makes it like 40 to 50 seconds before she adriftly asks me to stop and says something like, “Let’s talk about your relationship with…”. So basically it’s too messed up for her, a talk therapists who’s job entails discussing messed up things. Yeah. Also… “adriftly”? *abruptly*
I keep going back and forth as to wether or not I should Direct it or not. Part of me wants to impart it to like a Eli Roth, George Romero, Rob Zombie, Kevin Smith, or one of my new favorites Jeremy Saulnier. Then part of me wants to be at the helm. I don’t know. For the record I’ve never been a horror, slasher, or thriller fanatic. When a good one comes across with a good story and all I’ll watch it and possibly love it. However, I don’t have a desire to be grossed out, scared, nor frightened. But that’s just me.
So what is CheateR about?
I really don’t want to talk about it…
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
Also if you’re in north east Florida stop by The Pig in Callahan for breakfast or BBQ. it’s been a while since I plugged the place I was eating at. But this is one of my spots from my home. Also the servers are super sweet and ask my if I’m okay making me realize I look like I’m on the verge of tears while writing CheateR every now and again.🙂
The Pig Bbq, Seafood, & Steaks
5300 Hwy 200, Callahan FL 32011
As a community artist, creatives, and others alike thrive on creativity in a hive mind like environment. We all want for the funny, the story, or what ever is being created to be its best. We all want the best for the product. However as individuals, creatives we are total capitalist! We want to succeed individually so we can further our own projects, products, and thus careers. It’s kind of a very intriguing — ugh I don’t know if you would call it phenomenon or not. We are a bunch of for profits operating in a industry revolving around story, and art integrity, and purists who all evolve and cultivate as this yingyang of entrepreneurial artisans capitalizing on prose and satire.
I wonder if the cognitive dissonance created by this, our culture in the creative buisness gives us a predisposition to emotional botheration, if that makes sense. Like do people who make a living mining out emotion and fleshing out story, baring our innards leave their/our paths to our hearts strings that much more trail blazed and as such easily traversed by emotional terror. Or, as I just realized, what I meant to say is are we just more sensitive.
As a comedian and a creative I think I have become desensitized to failure but as a kid with depression, anxiety, and Atelophobia I will never be unterrified of disappointment. I will never cease to strive off of the… Well not just the approval of others but the addiction of being able to affect other people via my art. I love being able to make people care and feel things. The easiest way for me to make you have the feels is to lacerate my shield of self hiding and let you into the danger of what is my core. Then hopefully we will have a great alignment of sentiments and in that moment you will say yes, I agree. In the same manner also if the sentiments do not mesh or match up that grifting will cause you to feel something. Either way the intention is for it to resonate as much as possible.
What was I talking about?
I think, if it’s possible the Internet makes this whole ordeal In today’s society that much worse. Meaning we figuratively drown in a wealth of readily accessible information whilst, yet starving for the wisdom we should be gaining and utilizing by rescuing ourselves from a drought of common sense.
Our society flourishes on self doubt. Oppressors, wether they be government, advertisers, or whatever they only succeed at what they do most by reigning over a group of self doubters. The greatest rebellion is one of confidence. Being a rebel does not mean you have to be a rioting libertine. You could just be a super good you, a confident you and that’s enough to with stand the ever flowing current of flow goers. It is harder to oppress someone who is standing against the flow and above it because they can see it. If you can see it, it is harder to be swayed by it. So be a rebel. To quote The Ambassadors, “So, all hail the underdogs. All hail the new kids. All hail the outlaws. Spielbergs and Kubricks.” Go be a rebel, have confidence in your self. Believe that which makes you unique, what gives you singularity and unlikeness is what could possibly make you a success in this what we call our world.
A smarter man once said, “To thine own self be true”. Later on history another said, “You do you”. I’m saying you do, or ugh be rather, the best you, then if and when you succeed or fail you can know that it wasn’t because of falsehood.
As alway I’d like to thank you for reading my nonsense. Please note it is very important to me that these entries just be a stream of consciousness and not a editorial so there is now editing done and I apologise for mistakes. I hope you got something out of it. If you hate what I wrote so much feel free to let me know at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.
Sorry I’m not smarter.
Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self.
I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life.
Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons.
Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.
Look at my nephew!
” I’m terrified. I’m terrified and terrorized by a thought. It’s hard to explain how just a thought, a possibility or a maybe can be so simultaneously devastating and fearsomely troubling. I’m scared because I do not believe that any one can nor will ever make me feel the way you made me feel about life, myself and you.”
~an excerpt from my novel, “Leh Car”.
I have a huge problem with this sentiment. In part because of the social definition or acceptance of what a “nice guy” is. Another part is the connotation that this expression applies to all so called “nice guy”s. Finally- because everything is better in threes– what it means to finish last.
I am a nice guy. I don’t know a lot (beat) but I know this to be true. Of the few constants, in this emotional wreck of a life of mine, being a nice guy is the most prevalent truth. It’s who I am at the core and all the way through to the crest. As much of a self loather as I am the one thing that I can not discount about my self is that I am a nice guy.
There are a lot of guys, in this world we call our own, who feign under the label of a nice guy, who are in fact not. I often hear the complaint that, “I don’t have a girlfriend or I can’t find love, girls don’t like me because I’m a nice guy.” Or some variation of that sentiment. I will agree that a number of truly nice guys suffer from exclusion of affection because of how odd and out of the norm a truly nice guy is in our society. Through some sort of happenings some women are put under the impression that being treated poorly is a sign of affection and caring from a guy. (I realize I am a man and have no postion to speak for all women by any means) you can read more about this dilemma here. But basically nice guys striving to be a gentleman can come off as creepy and out of the ordinary and thus purged of the opportunity to cultivate a relationship.
This is what bothers me the most about all of this. The poser nice guy, the guy who operates under the label of nice guy blaming his lack of affection, intimacy and love because he is a nice guy. (Again that does happen but not as often) if you claim to be a nice guy and suffer a passion void life because of this and let’s say you give a young lady a ride home from a party, buy her a meal, or do any other perceivably nice thing for some one because you want to have sex with them…
You are not a nice guy!
You are a horrible human being, you make me sick and you are one of the reasons some nice guys finish last”. If you then treat said person badly, spread this an altered version of the truth around, or make her feel bad for not returning to you the same feelings… you deserves a slow and painful death in front of your loved ones. Also you are not a nice guy.
I personally know of four female friends who have emparted memories to me that were 100% rape, by all accounts. All four have said, “well he was a nice guy….”. This is so sickeningly sad for many reasons. Not only is it bad that these guys are viewed as nice guys but the four women I am referring to still look back st these events as if they aren’t that bad and the predators can go on living life like defilement didn’t occur.
You have the right to set boundaries!
You are allowed to express these boundaries!
You are allowed to defend these boundaries!
You are allowed to eliminate those who do not respect these boundaries from your life, and as far as I am concerned, the face of the earth!
So what is a nice guy?
To give with out the thought of reward, treating others pleasantly no matter what and respecting others wishes are what makes a “nice guy” or person rather. I think you need to find joy in the thankfulness of others in order to be a nice guy.
As I said earlier not all nice guys finish last. What I mean by that is for the most part nice guys aren’t finished. A nice guy does not stop being nice. Some nice guys end up in loving happy places. Some nice guys end up self loathing, self deprecating awkward guys who will never achieve love and happiness. And the rest of nice guys live some where inbetween like every other sub group out there.
Finally what does it mean to finish last? Does that mean your the last one in and all the “goodens” are already taken? Does that mean you lost what ever the situation was because you were nice or fair? What ever you decide it means to finish last know that it can never be solely because you are a nice guy.
If your worried about finishing last that means you haven’t finished! Keep going, work harder. Weather that means working on your self or working to find some one to finish with. Because in the end that’s all that matters. What we did while we ran and how we finished. As I’ve said before every morning you should wake up with the intention that, that day you are going to do something that your future self will thank you for and possibly your future partner. Don’t forget what Charlie Brown said, “In life it’s not where you go- it’s who goes with you”.
Then he stepped off of his soap box.
To be honest I have no idea what I am talking about and for all I know I could be an estranged old man walking around the sanitarium, naked, mutter what he thinks to be… advice and wise tales.
As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day-
If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime).
According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.
Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.
I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?
I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important, don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits.
I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.
And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws.
Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.
I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date.
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.
The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at
Dublin Street Pub
1745 E University Ave
Las Cruces, New Mexico