Sometimes I want to slice my skin or my outer layers and climb out of my self.
Like a hermit crab leaving it’s shell.
I don’t know what I expect to see when I look back at my self, nor what I am expecting to do, or say.
What would I say to my self?
- I hate you?
- Why are you the way you are?
- What makes you so sad, broken, anxious, and afraid of being a disappointment?
- Why can’t you just be happy?
Some times I hate it all.
Sometimes I feel ashamed of it all.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it all.
I just want to get away from it all. Escape. Leave behind the misadventure that is Noah.
Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of making mistakes. I am not ashamed of making the mistakes that got me here.
I am ashamed of my emotional reactions to my mistakes.
I have deficiencies that make it impossible to just be happy. I have to really, really work at it to just be content. Happiness is not an option. And that’s not a bad thing. Years of therapy have given me the realization and breakthrough that I cant be happy and emotional energy spent in that endeavor will only end in sadness and depression.
However I can choose to not be sad by working really hard and using some exercises/tools my therapists gave me. I can choose to work at not showing everyone how sad I am and how much it hurts. That’s right, it hurts.
That is what people don’t realize. The difference between just being sad and having severe depression is that it hurts. It is pain of a severity unlike most others.
And we can’t just be happy. Believe me it is what I want. I want to just be happy. Be able to show everyone that I am happy and not a disappointment. I do not covet being felt sorry for. What I want is relief. What I covet is peace.
The turmoil for me is the uphill battle of emotional energy it cost to be content. The price of relaxation is mental work and the cost is emotional energy.
If I can’t have happiness then I can fight to help others achieve it for themselves.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need.