I’d like to report I am doing well for the first and longest stretch of time.

For 20 months I have been off the Wellbutrin, Abilify, and clonazePAM. Due to the addition of medicinal cannabis to my daily meds. 1 to 1 edibles THC/CBD preferably a indica dominate hybrid. 15 mg in the morning and 15 at night. This regiment along with my other diabetic meds have kept me emotionally stable and not deeply sad or the most I can come to happy

Today, I had a terrible anxiety attack of depression. The first one in 16 months. I still have my clonazePAM but I did not have it on me at the park. Today I saw a man sitting on a park bench.

How could that send you into a heart attack of depression, Noah?

It was like the worst DeJaVu. I knew what I was about to see, a millisecond before I did.

His toddler of a daughter called out, “Daddy!”. As she ran towards him from the parking lot. His wife in tow. He stood and she ran to him. He lifted her, spun, and kissed her before being in her into a hug. Then he hugged and kissed his wife. Then they hugged as a family.

I never talk about it. But besides marine biologist , a cowboy, and a filmmaker. One of my biggest desires as a kid was to have a family. Be a husband and a dad. I’ve always wanted to adopt as well.

It’s never going to happen. For a moment that want came back in a heart wrenching , chest tightening blow to the soul. I couldn’t breath. The severe sadness spread from chest to my extremities. I couldn’t catch my breath for the gasps and tears.

I was able to get to a secluded area. So thankfully no one saw me having the attack. It’s important to have a plan in place if you have a problem with anxiety attacks. Mine are rooted in depression not panic so I have specific step to go through to bring my self around that me an my therapists worked out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.