A Raging Fire

Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self. 

   I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing  others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life. 

   Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons. 

Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.

Much love,

Noah 

   

Look at my nephew!


Where the side walk ends.

    
Working on another screenplay!     
Saw this in a antique store!

 
Please!

  
I’m weird.

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Suffering 

I’ve been suffering a lot lately, at my own expense and cause. A series of most disheartening events came my way and I was not the man I should have been. I did not defend my self like I know I can and should. I let depression and overwhelming anxiety take over me. I failed. I failed hard. I over ate. I let the darkness fully invelop and cloud everything about me to the point where I merely sat and wallard in despair and desolation. It wasn’t until I got some good news from a production company that I was able to recognize my failure to heed the warning signs. 

   But now I’m back! Or well on the incline anyway. I know I can’t be happy, but my level of contentment is beginning to even out at a level that I can live with and get back to making others happy. 

   I want to thank and apologies to those who wrote to me concerned about my posts. Some times the hardest advice to swallow is that of our own. I’m working on getting back to where I was and will hopefully have some better or less dark writing coming y’all’s way. Not that dark is a bad thing but the place I was, was too dark. That begin said I’m only taking down one post because I fear it may hender others with depression and lead them in a way they shouldn’t be lead. The others I will leave for y’all to read at your leisure. 

As always thanks so much for reading!

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

-Noah 

  

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself. 

I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now. 

I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.

 I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.   
 

Words are hard

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I know you’ve heard the confusion around “Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?” But the debacling  conundrum goes even further. (Yes I know debacling isn’t a word) 

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Why do we call a situation where the out come your desire has a very slim opourinity of actually happening a fat chance?

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Why do we not have a Singular Gender-Neutral Pronoun? (Think about it) Nor do we have a plural form of the word you which is very unintelligent.

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How come we trust our financials to a broker?

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Why is it that the word hyphenated is not hyphenated but the word non-hyphenated is?

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If horrific is a form of horrible then shouldn’t terrific be one of terrible?

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Why does “overlook” mean to miss something and to “oversee” means to observe and supervise? (“How could you overlook this I told you look over it carefully! I’ll have to get someone else to oversee this now!”)

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The number 22 is pronounced twenty two but 11 is eleven. (Although onety one sounds weird)

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There are 1,025,110 words in the English language.

967 of those words contain a “I” and a “E” right next to one another.

Supposedly the language has a rule that the “I” must come before the “E” with the clause of except after “C”.

Of those 967 instances 44 of those words actually follow the rule.

So 4% of the time our language actually follows the rule.

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If some one asks if you are down with something they are actually asking if you can put up with it.

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When your alarm clock goes off you wake up and turn it off?

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How come if you take an item put it in a box and send it across the United States in a car the box called a shipment but if you take the same item and put it in the same box then send it across the ocean on a ship it’s called cargo?

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All together means everyone or everything together whilst Altogether is an adverb meaning cumulatively everything.

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Why do we call the night time when its dark after dark? Shouldn’t that be in the light the next morning?

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Why are the bleachers for spectators to sit on called stands?

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If you cook a strip of pig meat in pan it’s called Bacon, but if you bake a piece of dough in the oven it’s called a cookie. 

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Monosyllabic is a five syalable word describing words with one syalable and Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia  is the fear of long words.  No need to explain further.

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A grapenut is neither a grape nor a nut!

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When traveling a man packs his dress suits in something called a garmet bag while any one else packing actual garments pack then in a suitcase… I digress.
Send complaints and compliments to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day-
Love,
Noah