Category: Anti depressants

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Skin Suit 

Sometimes I want to slice my skin or my outer layers and climb out of my self.

Like a hermit crab leaving it’s shell. 

I don’t know what I expect to see when I look back at my self, nor what I am expecting to do, or say.

What would I say to my self? 

  1. I hate you?
  2. Why are you the way you are?
  3. What makes you so sad, broken, anxious, and afraid of being a disappointment?
  4. Why can’t you just be happy?

Some times I hate it all.

Sometimes I feel ashamed of it all. 

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it all.

I just want to get away from it all. Escape. Leave behind the misadventure that is Noah.

Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of making mistakes. I am not ashamed of making the mistakes that got me here.

I am ashamed of my emotional reactions to my mistakes.

I have deficiencies that make it impossible to just be happy. I have to really, really work at it to just be content. Happiness is not an option. And that’s not a bad thing. Years of therapy have given me the realization and breakthrough that I cant be happy and emotional energy spent in that endeavor will only end in sadness and depression. 

However I can choose to not be sad by working really hard and using some exercises/tools my therapists gave me. I can choose to work at not showing everyone how sad I am and how much it hurts. That’s right, it hurts.

That is what people don’t realize. The difference between just being sad and having severe depression is that it hurts. It is pain of a severity unlike most others. 

And we can’t just be happy. Believe me it is what I want. I want to just be happy. Be able to show everyone that I am happy and not a disappointment. I do not covet being felt sorry for. What I want is relief. What I covet is peace.

The turmoil for me is the uphill battle of emotional energy it cost to be content. The price of relaxation is mental work and the cost is emotional energy.

If I can’t have happiness then I can fight to help others achieve it for themselves.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 
.

The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

So, five days ago, the 31st day of the eight month in the year of our lord 2016 to be exact, I typed the words FADE IN on a new screenplay entitled, “CheateR”. It is the darkest most messed up thing I have ever touched. Literally after I write a scene or a few pages I have to immeadeftly go watch an episode of Cheers, UNDATEABLE, FRIENDS, Scrubs, or listen to stand up or something to digress, relax, and get out of the heavily dark mindset. I am literally having to reach the darkest depths of my creative space, my psyche, my emotionally allegorical pallet with which I tell stories.
  What the heck is “immeadeftly”?

 

I don’t think you quite get how dark this piece is, possibly because most of you know how much I love Disney, fairy tells, and musicals and such…. But I do have a modest infatuation with dark material both inhumor and drama. “inhumor”? In order to get in the mindset and mental space for CheateR, I have to put on headphones or ear buds and blare THE DOORS’s “NOT TO TOUCH THE EARTH”, KATE BUSH’s “WAKING THE WITCH”, THE SWANS’s “WHERE DOES A BODY END?”, KORN’s “TWISTED TRANSISTOR”, ROB ZOMBIE’s “DRAGULA”, PETER GABRIEL’s “WE DO WHAT WE’RE TOLD (MILGRAM’S 37)”, THEORY OF A DEAD MAN’s “BAD GIRLFRIEND” LADY GAGA ‘s “BLOODY MARY”, THROBBING GRISTLE’s, “HAMBURGER LADY”, BUCKCHERRY’s “CRAZY B****”, SUICIDE’s “FRANKIE TEARDROP”, JOY DIVISON’s “HEART AND SOUL”, EMA’s “BUTTERFLY KNIFE”, FIONA APPLE’s “HOT KNIFE”, PRIMUS’s “MR. KRINKLE” and HANSON’s “MMMMMMBOP” as a playlist on a roaring loop with multiple repeated songs over and over again.

I am participating in this depression study, for the free therapy and drugs, which, by the doggone way, I am in this one because I got kicked out of the last one. 
 

That or this rather, is a true hot damn story. I got kicked out of a depression study. 

 

Want to know why?  
 I was way too depressed according to their findings! Seriously, the study was trying to take a different approach to helping with severe depression instead of antidepressants and uppers. What they did was hook you up to these machines, which must have been on loan from the set of Hemlock Grove. They registered and recorded your emotional responses to different stimuli. Then they would administer different meds accordingly to how your readings came out.

  
 Apparently they got the procedures and concept from a different study where they found out that dogs have a much more happy and desired emotional response to petting and belly rubs than they do treats, a case that clearly needed delving into.I swear on everything this is all true you can look up the dog case study, but I swear this all true. Like you know how annoying people put those emoticons of the 100 with lines under it. I would use it here if I didn’t loath so immensely people who use them.

 
 Anyway, I was told after a month of testing and labs, and psychoanalysis, and Cognitave behavioral therapy, and exposure therapy (Gah! The “and”s in that sentence) I was informed by a panel of mental health professionals, each with different specialties that I was too depressed for the study and they were afraid to test this new treatment on such a subject. 

Yep, that happened.


But wait, there’s more! 


So for the first study I had to get all of my mental meds out of my system prior to starting the qualifying sessions. For those of you playing the home game, my primary has me on a rather potent pharmaceuticaly chemical cocktail of Welbutrin, Zoloft, Clonozepam, with a Xanax garnish for the occasional anxiety attack. I had to go two to four weeks with out all four before they could start the qualifying testing. If any one wants to know the best way to give a person with depression anxiety take them off their meds for both. So I am in this viciously terrifying vortex of emotional hell for a month. 

 
Then I get to start the testing. 

 

Well what does that entail Noah?


 They stick an emotionally wrecked, atelophobic, over stressed, depression patient into, what looks like post apocalyptic torture porn devices, which by the way, helped my anxiety out so well, and proceeded to ask me about my worst fears and how I felt about “my life currently” for another three weeks, also with out my meds. “What’s that doc? How do I feel about my life right now? *Said around a ball gag* I’m kidding, there was no ball gag. I was told I had to leave mine in my truck…

Kidding.

Ahh, umm At the end of those five (possibly worst doggone weeks of my entire bloody life) weeks I was informed that it was all for nothing because I was too depressed. Apparently the technology measuring your emotions is so new that they don’t have charts formulated yet for my level of depression and anxiety much less treatment plans using the new protocol.  It was the staff’s and my primary’s medical opinion I go back on my meds ASAP.

  
Then I went backed on my meds for 4 days, (count them with me 1,2,3,4) that’s four days with all my meds. Which most medical professionals would tell you is right about when you can expect to start to feel results. Anyway four days later The facility called me to let me know they had a new spot in a different study which was a new pharmaceutical company testing a new product that should help with depression anxiety, memory and attention. But no sane person in their right mind would go back

  
So I’m sitting back in one of them their lovely entrance counsellor’s office when he informs me that if I wanted to take part in this second study I would have to get my meds out of my system, again. :/

 
And that is the study I am taking part in now. But by the way on third day after my second detox I went on a week long vacation with my family to the Keys for Lobster Season, a family tradition.

  
What was I saying? Or talking about?

          Oh yeah, “CheateR”.


SO ALL OF THAT HAPPENED AND THEN SOME HOW I CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR , “CheateR”.

 

So I’m in this depression study and I’m talking to another therapists, one I actually like, a female, not that, that should matter but it’s fact, about this new film and every time we start to talk about it she makes it like 40 to 50 seconds before she adriftly asks me to stop and says something like, “Let’s talk about your relationship with…”. So basically it’s too messed up for her, a talk therapists who’s job entails discussing messed up things.    Yeah.           Also… “adriftly”? *abruptly* 

  



I keep going back and forth as to wether or not I should Direct it or not. Part of me wants to impart it to like a Eli Roth, George Romero, Rob Zombie, Kevin Smith, or one of my new favorites Jeremy Saulnier. Then part of me wants to be at the helm. I don’t know. For the record I’ve never been a horror, slasher, or thriller fanatic. When a good one comes across with a good story and all I’ll watch it and possibly love it. However, I don’t have a desire to be grossed out, scared, nor frightened. But that’s just me.

   

So what is CheateR about?



I really don’t want to talk about it…



                                                                                             ***
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
Also if you’re in north east Florida stop by The Pig in Callahan for breakfast or BBQ. it’s been a while since I plugged the place I was eating at. But this is one of my spots from my home. Also the servers are super sweet and ask my if I’m okay making me realize I look like I’m on the verge of tears while writing CheateR every now and again.🙂

The Pig Bbq, Seafood, & Steaks
5300 Hwy 200, Callahan FL 32011 
(904) 879-0101
http://tinyurl.com/zglbpb5