Two days ago my therapist asked me, kind of out of the blue, what I wanted from therapy.
It was towards the end of our session and didn’t have really anything to do with the bulk of our conversation had to do it that day. It really caught me offguard and I could only think of one thing to say.
“I would like to one day get to a place where I like me.”
I think the kind of sums it up.
I have lived a life of disappointment and I guess I just want to be OK with that.
yeah–
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.
After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.
So there’s that.
What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.
I hate it.
You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.
Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.
I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.
And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.
Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.
I’m broken and a failure.
I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.
I am FUBAR.
No one deserves to have to deal with me.
No one.
But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.
Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.
❤
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
I can be. At times. For sure. I do feel like a lot of my life is spent expecting for the next of my life to be sad, bad, or disappointing to my self and those I care about.
Which is not a bad thing. I feel like, having rather pessimistic tendencies keeps me in a state or status of either been correct or wonderfully surprised and excited.
It’s easy to feel optimistic or feel like you’re optimistic when things surprise and excite you, when you feel like you have not been a disappointment to yourself and those you care about.
Know what I mean, Vern?
I am very rarely disappointed by people in my life for two reasons.
One because the people that are close to me are amazing and two everyone I I never expect anything from anyone so I’m very rarely disappointed by people.
I feel like I use the phrase “I feel like” too much.
Also, I feel like I’m more prepared for tough situations because I am pessimistic. Kinda like a pessimism/prudentism… ugh…. thing. Although! I feel like I’m sill not emotionally…. like I still don’t take disappointment well nor do I deal well emotionally with sad situations. However because of pessimism I do, do well with stress and bad situations. I’m weird.
I am a great person to talk to… well anytime time, but what I was going to say was I am a great person to talk to when you’re down. I think or I don’t know rather if that has to do with my pessimistic side of my personality.
It’s not easy for me to be happy. Actually we have talked before, in the past, about how it is an impossibility to just be happy, for me anyway. With my specific concoction of conditions I have to fight and really work at it to be happy. However I pride my self on being a rather strong fighter. Not all the time. But I have a tool set I developed with my therapist and slight pessimism is a part of that.
Also because the pessimistic side of me has been with me and recognizes the lowest of the low points in my life I FEEL LIKE I can now more severely appreciate the high points.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need.
My Life is a series of awkward plot points. 