Category: Emotions

Faux Pa

Faux Pa

I have talked about my disappointment in my self that I do not have a family (wife and kids) several times.

For some reason today it really hit hard. I mean there is always a itching of depression that exists in me, but on some days, when it is full blown…. Wow. It is so severe that it deadens you. Makes you feel immobile and non ambulatory in the most vicious of ways. Like you’re drowning in air, burning in water, and/or smushed by gravity.

What am I to do? Be thankful that I am one of the most fortunate individuals that has ever lived? That I have a wonderfully amazing and loving family and multiple good friends?

There is shame in depression that don’t easily explained. At least not for me. How could I be sad? How could some one that is as outrageously loved and lucky as I…. be sad? Why? How? …

I don’t know!

If I did know, I probably wouldn’t be so broken or sensitive.

Has sad stuff happened to me?

Yes.

Has sad stuff happened to EVERYONE?

Yes.

Why can I/you get over it? Man up? Soldier on? Cowboy up?…..

None of it changes everything or anything. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the fact that I am fat, ugly, and with out a wife and kids. Today it has done nothing but tear me up. Or down, depending how you interpret that expression.

I am what I am. And what I am is a dad bod filled with dad jokes possessing no offspring. Which is pretty important for the whole “Dad” thing.

I guess you can call me a faux pa.

So sorry I will see my self out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

I don’t like me

I don’t like me

Two days ago my therapist asked me, kind of out of the blue, what I wanted from therapy.

It was towards the end of our session and didn’t have really anything to do with the bulk of our conversation had to do it that day. It really caught me offguard and I could only think of one thing to say.

“I would like to one day get to a place where I like me.”

I think the kind of sums it up.

I have lived a life of disappointment and I guess I just want to be OK with that.

yeah–

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Pessimistically Optimistic

Pessimistically Optimistic

Am I a pessimist?

I don’t know. Maybe.

I can be. At times. For sure. I do feel like a lot of my life is spent expecting for the next of my life to be sad, bad, or disappointing to my self and those I care about.

Which is not a bad thing. I feel like, having rather pessimistic tendencies keeps me in a state or status of either been correct or wonderfully surprised and excited.

It’s easy to feel optimistic or feel like you’re optimistic when things surprise and excite you, when you feel like you have not been a disappointment to yourself and those you care about.

Know what I mean, Vern?

I am very rarely disappointed by people in my life for two reasons.

One because the people that are close to me are amazing and two everyone I I never expect anything from anyone so I’m very rarely disappointed by people.

I feel like I use the phrase “I feel like” too much.

Also, I feel like I’m more prepared for tough situations because I am pessimistic. Kinda like a pessimism/prudentism… ugh…. thing. Although! I feel like I’m sill not emotionally…. like I still don’t take disappointment well nor do I deal well emotionally with sad situations. However because of pessimism I do, do well with stress and bad situations. I’m weird.

I am a great person to talk to… well anytime time, but what I was going to say was I am a great person to talk to when you’re down. I think or I don’t know rather if that has to do with my pessimistic side of my personality.

It’s not easy for me to be happy. Actually we have talked before, in the past, about how it is an impossibility to just be happy, for me anyway. With my specific concoction of conditions I have to fight and really work at it to be happy. However I pride my self on being a rather strong fighter. Not all the time. But I have a tool set I developed with my therapist and slight pessimism is a part of that.

Also because the pessimistic side of me has been with me and recognizes the lowest of the low points in my life I FEEL LIKE I can now more severely appreciate the high points.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 

Skin Suit 

Sometimes I want to slice my skin or my outer layers and climb out of my self.

Like a hermit crab leaving it’s shell. 

I don’t know what I expect to see when I look back at my self, nor what I am expecting to do, or say.

What would I say to my self? 

  1. I hate you?
  2. Why are you the way you are?
  3. What makes you so sad, broken, anxious, and afraid of being a disappointment?
  4. Why can’t you just be happy?

Some times I hate it all.

Sometimes I feel ashamed of it all. 

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with it all.

I just want to get away from it all. Escape. Leave behind the misadventure that is Noah.

Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of making mistakes. I am not ashamed of making the mistakes that got me here.

I am ashamed of my emotional reactions to my mistakes.

I have deficiencies that make it impossible to just be happy. I have to really, really work at it to just be content. Happiness is not an option. And that’s not a bad thing. Years of therapy have given me the realization and breakthrough that I cant be happy and emotional energy spent in that endeavor will only end in sadness and depression. 

However I can choose to not be sad by working really hard and using some exercises/tools my therapists gave me. I can choose to work at not showing everyone how sad I am and how much it hurts. That’s right, it hurts.

That is what people don’t realize. The difference between just being sad and having severe depression is that it hurts. It is pain of a severity unlike most others. 

And we can’t just be happy. Believe me it is what I want. I want to just be happy. Be able to show everyone that I am happy and not a disappointment. I do not covet being felt sorry for. What I want is relief. What I covet is peace.

The turmoil for me is the uphill battle of emotional energy it cost to be content. The price of relaxation is mental work and the cost is emotional energy.

If I can’t have happiness then I can fight to help others achieve it for themselves.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 
.

The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

So, five days ago, the 31st day of the eight month in the year of our lord 2016 to be exact, I typed the words FADE IN on a new screenplay entitled, “CheateR”. It is the darkest most messed up thing I have ever touched. Literally after I write a scene or a few pages I have to immeadeftly go watch an episode of Cheers, UNDATEABLE, FRIENDS, Scrubs, or listen to stand up or something to digress, relax, and get out of the heavily dark mindset. I am literally having to reach the darkest depths of my creative space, my psyche, my emotionally allegorical pallet with which I tell stories.
  What the heck is “immeadeftly”?

 

I don’t think you quite get how dark this piece is, possibly because most of you know how much I love Disney, fairy tells, and musicals and such…. But I do have a modest infatuation with dark material both inhumor and drama. “inhumor”? In order to get in the mindset and mental space for CheateR, I have to put on headphones or ear buds and blare THE DOORS’s “NOT TO TOUCH THE EARTH”, KATE BUSH’s “WAKING THE WITCH”, THE SWANS’s “WHERE DOES A BODY END?”, KORN’s “TWISTED TRANSISTOR”, ROB ZOMBIE’s “DRAGULA”, PETER GABRIEL’s “WE DO WHAT WE’RE TOLD (MILGRAM’S 37)”, THEORY OF A DEAD MAN’s “BAD GIRLFRIEND” LADY GAGA ‘s “BLOODY MARY”, THROBBING GRISTLE’s, “HAMBURGER LADY”, BUCKCHERRY’s “CRAZY B****”, SUICIDE’s “FRANKIE TEARDROP”, JOY DIVISON’s “HEART AND SOUL”, EMA’s “BUTTERFLY KNIFE”, FIONA APPLE’s “HOT KNIFE”, PRIMUS’s “MR. KRINKLE” and HANSON’s “MMMMMMBOP” as a playlist on a roaring loop with multiple repeated songs over and over again.

I am participating in this depression study, for the free therapy and drugs, which, by the doggone way, I am in this one because I got kicked out of the last one. 
 

That or this rather, is a true hot damn story. I got kicked out of a depression study. 

 

Want to know why?  
 I was way too depressed according to their findings! Seriously, the study was trying to take a different approach to helping with severe depression instead of antidepressants and uppers. What they did was hook you up to these machines, which must have been on loan from the set of Hemlock Grove. They registered and recorded your emotional responses to different stimuli. Then they would administer different meds accordingly to how your readings came out.

  
 Apparently they got the procedures and concept from a different study where they found out that dogs have a much more happy and desired emotional response to petting and belly rubs than they do treats, a case that clearly needed delving into.I swear on everything this is all true you can look up the dog case study, but I swear this all true. Like you know how annoying people put those emoticons of the 100 with lines under it. I would use it here if I didn’t loath so immensely people who use them.

 
 Anyway, I was told after a month of testing and labs, and psychoanalysis, and Cognitave behavioral therapy, and exposure therapy (Gah! The “and”s in that sentence) I was informed by a panel of mental health professionals, each with different specialties that I was too depressed for the study and they were afraid to test this new treatment on such a subject. 

Yep, that happened.


But wait, there’s more! 


So for the first study I had to get all of my mental meds out of my system prior to starting the qualifying sessions. For those of you playing the home game, my primary has me on a rather potent pharmaceuticaly chemical cocktail of Welbutrin, Zoloft, Clonozepam, with a Xanax garnish for the occasional anxiety attack. I had to go two to four weeks with out all four before they could start the qualifying testing. If any one wants to know the best way to give a person with depression anxiety take them off their meds for both. So I am in this viciously terrifying vortex of emotional hell for a month. 

 
Then I get to start the testing. 

 

Well what does that entail Noah?


 They stick an emotionally wrecked, atelophobic, over stressed, depression patient into, what looks like post apocalyptic torture porn devices, which by the way, helped my anxiety out so well, and proceeded to ask me about my worst fears and how I felt about “my life currently” for another three weeks, also with out my meds. “What’s that doc? How do I feel about my life right now? *Said around a ball gag* I’m kidding, there was no ball gag. I was told I had to leave mine in my truck…

Kidding.

Ahh, umm At the end of those five (possibly worst doggone weeks of my entire bloody life) weeks I was informed that it was all for nothing because I was too depressed. Apparently the technology measuring your emotions is so new that they don’t have charts formulated yet for my level of depression and anxiety much less treatment plans using the new protocol.  It was the staff’s and my primary’s medical opinion I go back on my meds ASAP.

  
Then I went backed on my meds for 4 days, (count them with me 1,2,3,4) that’s four days with all my meds. Which most medical professionals would tell you is right about when you can expect to start to feel results. Anyway four days later The facility called me to let me know they had a new spot in a different study which was a new pharmaceutical company testing a new product that should help with depression anxiety, memory and attention. But no sane person in their right mind would go back

  
So I’m sitting back in one of them their lovely entrance counsellor’s office when he informs me that if I wanted to take part in this second study I would have to get my meds out of my system, again. :/

 
And that is the study I am taking part in now. But by the way on third day after my second detox I went on a week long vacation with my family to the Keys for Lobster Season, a family tradition.

  
What was I saying? Or talking about?

          Oh yeah, “CheateR”.


SO ALL OF THAT HAPPENED AND THEN SOME HOW I CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR , “CheateR”.

 

So I’m in this depression study and I’m talking to another therapists, one I actually like, a female, not that, that should matter but it’s fact, about this new film and every time we start to talk about it she makes it like 40 to 50 seconds before she adriftly asks me to stop and says something like, “Let’s talk about your relationship with…”. So basically it’s too messed up for her, a talk therapists who’s job entails discussing messed up things.    Yeah.           Also… “adriftly”? *abruptly* 

  



I keep going back and forth as to wether or not I should Direct it or not. Part of me wants to impart it to like a Eli Roth, George Romero, Rob Zombie, Kevin Smith, or one of my new favorites Jeremy Saulnier. Then part of me wants to be at the helm. I don’t know. For the record I’ve never been a horror, slasher, or thriller fanatic. When a good one comes across with a good story and all I’ll watch it and possibly love it. However, I don’t have a desire to be grossed out, scared, nor frightened. But that’s just me.

   

So what is CheateR about?



I really don’t want to talk about it…



                                                                                             ***
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
Also if you’re in north east Florida stop by The Pig in Callahan for breakfast or BBQ. it’s been a while since I plugged the place I was eating at. But this is one of my spots from my home. Also the servers are super sweet and ask my if I’m okay making me realize I look like I’m on the verge of tears while writing CheateR every now and again.🙂

The Pig Bbq, Seafood, & Steaks
5300 Hwy 200, Callahan FL 32011 
(904) 879-0101
http://tinyurl.com/zglbpb5

  
  

The creation of ART is SOCIALISM, but the LIFE of a CREATIVE is CAPITALISM

As a community artist, creatives, and others alike thrive on creativity in a hive mind like environment. We all want for the funny, the story, or what ever is being created to be its best. We all want the best for the product. However as individuals, creatives we are total capitalist! We want to succeed individually so we can further our own projects, products, and thus careers. It’s kind of a very intriguing — ugh I don’t know if you would call it phenomenon or not. We are a bunch of for profits operating in a industry revolving around story, and art integrity, and purists who all evolve and cultivate as this yingyang of entrepreneurial artisans capitalizing on prose and satire.
I wonder if the cognitive dissonance created by this, our culture in the creative buisness gives us a predisposition to emotional botheration, if that makes sense. Like do people who make a living mining out emotion and fleshing out story, baring our innards leave their/our paths to our hearts strings that much more trail blazed and as such easily traversed by emotional terror. Or, as I just realized, what I meant to say is are we just more sensitive.

As a comedian and a creative I think I have become desensitized to failure but as a kid with depression, anxiety, and Atelophobia I will never be unterrified of disappointment. I will never cease to strive off of the… Well not just the approval of others but the addiction of being able to affect other people via my art. I love being able to make people care and feel things. The easiest way for me to make you have the feels is to lacerate my shield of self hiding and let you into the danger of what is my core. Then hopefully we will have a great alignment of sentiments and in that moment you will say yes, I agree. In the same manner also if the sentiments do not mesh or match up that grifting will cause you to feel something. Either way the intention is for it to resonate as much as possible.  

What was I talking about?

I think, if it’s possible the Internet makes this whole ordeal In today’s society that much worse. Meaning we figuratively drown in a wealth of readily accessible information whilst, yet starving for the wisdom we should be gaining and utilizing by rescuing ourselves from a drought of common sense.

Our society flourishes on self doubt. Oppressors, wether they be government, advertisers, or whatever they only succeed at what they do most by reigning over a group of self doubters. The greatest rebellion is one of confidence. Being a rebel does not mean you have to be a rioting libertine. You could just be a super good you, a confident you and that’s enough to with stand the ever flowing current of flow goers. It is harder to oppress someone who is standing against the flow and above it because they can see it. If you can see it, it is harder to be swayed by it. So be a rebel. To quote The Ambassadors, “So, all hail the underdogs. All hail the new kids. All hail the outlaws. Spielbergs and Kubricks.” Go be a rebel, have confidence in your self. Believe that which makes you unique, what gives you singularity and unlikeness is what could possibly make you a success in this what we call our world.
 

A smarter man once said, “To thine own self be true”. Later on history another said, “You do you”. I’m saying you do, or ugh be rather, the best you, then if and when you succeed or fail you can know that it wasn’t because of falsehood. 

As alway I’d like to thank you for reading my nonsense. Please note it is very important to me that these entries just be a stream of consciousness and not a editorial so there is now editing done and I apologise for mistakes.  I hope you got something out of it. If you hate what I wrote so much feel free to let me know at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Sorry I’m not smarter.

Knights in Tarnished Armour

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been soul searching and writing . Both of these tasks are ever so tiresome and viciously mentally exhausting.  I don’t know how fruitful the quest was but I have definelty learned a thing or two about my self. Wether it is for the better or not is yet to be seen. 

In a ‘Branding’ work shop I was learned two things; one- that my brand is not one of Genre or Style, nor format but actually in character. Meaning that my brand is actually stories that center around caracters that are struggling morally or internally. I have taken the liberty of coining the term, Cognitave Dissonace. Two- ensembles, apparently I write an ensemble pretty well. I think that comes from my characterization. I loath murky gray characters such as ‘The hot chick’, ‘The Dumb Badguy’, or ‘The Broken Yet Beautiful Girl’. For me when I create a character they have a back story and specific motivation for each action and for each word of dialogue.

I started to think about the notion that I write characters who are struggling to make decisions of morality  well. I guess I have an obtuse amount of empathy for someone who is either one having to make a decision under extreme stress and pressure in a time and place that later on can be looked back upon and scrutinized, or two someone who is wanting to make a good decision and struggling with or worried about how they will be perceived. 

Then I stared to think about the characters I write who are the heroes or as in many instances in my work the anti heroes. Writing stories is all about the human experience with failure and struggle and how to deal. Some people, some characters take the up hill in stride others not so much. I like to think that when people have had to deal with certain struggles or certain problems they are later better equipped to deal with those situations. Think about how wood and metal goes through rough sanding in order to look good or fit better for the builders use. Some times we have to go through a rough patch so that  we can be ready for the next one or help another. I also like to think of it as a knight whose Armour is dinged, bent, and tarnished in just the right places so just like cookie dough already in the shape of the cookie cutter the process isn’t so rough.

I think a seeing, listeing, or watching heroes struggles and in some cases succeed because of how their last has tarnished their Armour is comforting to people. Perhaps it’s motivation. Perhaps someone seeing a fictional character who is struggling with something they are struggling with succeed helps them to a thought lpatter. Of, “if they can do it I can do it”.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I do not edit these posts as I want them to be sincere streams of consciousness and not editorials. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Thanks,

Noah

  

Birthdays

You’re supposed to be happy on your birthday, like today I’m supposed to be happy. I mean I will be friends and family over and I love that.
 I don’t know if it’s the depression or if it’s just me, but I feel like after 21 each birthday is nothing but a reminder and a realization of everything you have not accomplished yet in life and congrats on letting another year pass by without achieving crap.

Run on sentences…

But how does one except that. How am I suppose to be okay with time slipping by without any forward progress? 

Maybe it’s suppose to be a motivator to do more next year but I see it as a reminder of my failures and muslitufe of shortcomings.

Gah! What it life?

   As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made. 
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!
~Noah