Pessimistically Optimistic

Pessimistically Optimistic

Am I a pessimist?

I don’t know. Maybe.

I can be. At times. For sure. I do feel like a lot of my life is spent expecting for the next of my life to be sad, bad, or disappointing to my self and those I care about.

Which is not a bad thing. I feel like, having rather pessimistic tendencies keeps me in a state or status of either been correct or wonderfully surprised and excited.

It’s easy to feel optimistic or feel like you’re optimistic when things surprise and excite you, when you feel like you have not been a disappointment to yourself and those you care about.

Know what I mean, Vern?

I am very rarely disappointed by people in my life for two reasons.

One because the people that are close to me are amazing and two everyone I I never expect anything from anyone so I’m very rarely disappointed by people.

I feel like I use the phrase I feel like” too much.

Also, I feel like I’m more prepared for tough situations because I am pessimistic. Kinda like a pessimism/prudentism… ugh…. thing. Although! I feel like I’m sill not emotionally…. like I still don’t take disappointment well nor do I deal well emotionally with sad situations. However because of pessimism I do, do well with stress and bad situations. I’m weird.

I am a great person to talk to… well anytime time, but what I was going to say was I am a great person to talk to when you’re down. I think or I don’t know rather if that has to do with my pessimistic side of my personality.

It’s not easy for me to be happy. Actually we have talked before, in the past, about how it is an impossibility to just be happy, for me anyway. With my specific concoction of conditions I have to fight and really work at it to be happy. However I pride my self on being a rather strong fighter. Not all the time. But I have a tool set I developed with my therapist and slight pessimism is a part of that.

Also because the pessimistic side of me has been with me and recognizes the lowest of the low points in my life I FEEL LIKE I can now more severely appreciate the high points.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 

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The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

The Dark Side Of The Creative Force

So, five days ago, the 31st day of the eight month in the year of our lord 2016 to be exact, I typed the words FADE IN on a new screenplay entitled, “CheateR”. It is the darkest most messed up thing I have ever touched. Literally after I write a scene or a few pages I have to immeadeftly go watch an episode of Cheers, UNDATEABLE, FRIENDS, Scrubs, or listen to stand up or something to digress, relax, and get out of the heavily dark mindset. I am literally having to reach the darkest depths of my creative space, my psyche, my emotionally allegorical pallet with which I tell stories.
  What the heck is “immeadeftly”?

 

I don’t think you quite get how dark this piece is, possibly because most of you know how much I love Disney, fairy tells, and musicals and such…. But I do have a modest infatuation with dark material both inhumor and drama. “inhumor”? In order to get in the mindset and mental space for CheateR, I have to put on headphones or ear buds and blare THE DOORS’s “NOT TO TOUCH THE EARTH”, KATE BUSH’s “WAKING THE WITCH”, THE SWANS’s “WHERE DOES A BODY END?”, KORN’s “TWISTED TRANSISTOR”, ROB ZOMBIE’s “DRAGULA”, PETER GABRIEL’s “WE DO WHAT WE’RE TOLD (MILGRAM’S 37)”, THEORY OF A DEAD MAN’s “BAD GIRLFRIEND” LADY GAGA ‘s “BLOODY MARY”, THROBBING GRISTLE’s, “HAMBURGER LADY”, BUCKCHERRY’s “CRAZY B****”, SUICIDE’s “FRANKIE TEARDROP”, JOY DIVISON’s “HEART AND SOUL”, EMA’s “BUTTERFLY KNIFE”, FIONA APPLE’s “HOT KNIFE”, PRIMUS’s “MR. KRINKLE” and HANSON’s “MMMMMMBOP” as a playlist on a roaring loop with multiple repeated songs over and over again.

I am participating in this depression study, for the free therapy and drugs, which, by the doggone way, I am in this one because I got kicked out of the last one
 

That or this rather, is a true hot damn story. I got kicked out of a depression study. 

 

Want to know why?  
 I was way too depressed according to their findings! Seriously, the study was trying to take a different approach to helping with severe depression instead of antidepressants and uppers. What they did was hook you up to these machines, which must have been on loan from the set of Hemlock Grove. They registered and recorded your emotional responses to different stimuli. Then they would administer different meds accordingly to how your readings came out.

  
 Apparently they got the procedures and concept from a different study where they found out that dogs have a much more happy and desired emotional response to petting and belly rubs than they do treats, a case that clearly needed delving into.I swear on everything this is all true you can look up the dog case study, but I swear this all true. Like you know how annoying people put those emoticons of the 100 with lines under it. I would use it here if I didn’t loath so immensely people who use them.

 
 Anyway, I was told after a month of testing and labs, and psychoanalysis, and Cognitave behavioral therapy, and exposure therapy (Gah! The “and”s in that sentence) I was informed by a panel of mental health professionals, each with different specialties that I was too depressed for the study and they were afraid to test this new treatment on such a subject. 

Yep, that happened.


But wait, there’s more! 


So for the first study I had to get all of my mental meds out of my system prior to starting the qualifying sessions. For those of you playing the home game, my primary has me on a rather potent pharmaceuticaly chemical cocktail of Welbutrin, Zoloft, Clonozepam, with a Xanax garnish for the occasional anxiety attack. I had to go two to four weeks with out all four before they could start the qualifying testing. If any one wants to know the best way to give a person with depression anxiety take them off their meds for both. So I am in this viciously terrifying vortex of emotional hell for a month. 

 
Then I get to start the testing. 

 

Well what does that entail Noah?


 They stick an emotionally wrecked, atelophobic, over stressed, depression patient into, what looks like post apocalyptic torture porn devices, which by the way, helped my anxiety out so well, and proceeded to ask me about my worst fears and how I felt about “my life currently” for another three weeks, also with out my meds. “What’s that doc? How do I feel about my life right now? *Said around a ball gag* I’m kidding, there was no ball gag. I was told I had to leave mine in my truck…

Kidding.

Ahh, umm At the end of those five (possibly worst doggone weeks of my entire bloody life) weeks I was informed that it was all for nothing because I was too depressed. Apparently the technology measuring your emotions is so new that they don’t have charts formulated yet for my level of depression and anxiety much less treatment plans using the new protocol.  It was the staff’s and my primary’s medical opinion I go back on my meds ASAP.

  
Then I went backed on my meds for 4 days, (count them with me 1,2,3,4) that’s four days with all my meds. Which most medical professionals would tell you is right about when you can expect to start to feel results. Anyway four days later The facility called me to let me know they had a new spot in a different study which was a new pharmaceutical company testing a new product that should help with depression anxiety, memory and attention. But no sane person in their right mind would go back

  
So I’m sitting back
in one of them their lovely entrance counsellor’s office when he informs me that if I wanted to take part in this second study I would have to get my meds out of my system, again. :/

 
And that is the study I am taking part in now. But by the way on third day after my second detox I went on a week long vacation with my family to the Keys for Lobster Season, a family tradition.

  
What was I saying? Or talking about?

          Oh yeah, “CheateR”.


SO ALL OF THAT HAPPENED AND THEN SOME HOW I CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR , “CheateR”.

 

So I’m in this depression study and I’m talking to another therapists, one I actually like, a female, not that, that should matter but it’s fact, about this new film and every time we start to talk about it she makes it like 40 to 50 seconds before she adriftly asks me to stop and says something like, “Let’s talk about your relationship with…”. So basically it’s too messed up for her, a talk therapists who’s job entails discussing messed up things.    Yeah.           Also… “adriftly”? *abruptly* 

  



I keep going back and forth as to wether or not I should Direct it or not. Part of me wants to impart it to like a Eli Roth, George Romero, Rob Zombie, Kevin Smith, or one of my new favorites Jeremy Saulnier. Then part of me wants to be at the helm. I don’t know. For the record I’ve never been a horror, slasher, or thriller fanatic. When a good one comes across with a good story and all I’ll watch it and possibly love it. However, I don’t have a desire to be grossed out, scared, nor frightened. But that’s just me.

   

So what is CheateR about?



I really don’t want to talk about it…



                                                                                             ***
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.
Also if you’re in north east Florida stop by The Pig in Callahan for breakfast or BBQ. it’s been a while since I plugged the place I was eating at. But this is one of my spots from my home. Also the servers are super sweet and ask my if I’m okay making me realize I look like I’m on the verge of tears while writing CheateR every now and again.🙂

The Pig Bbq, Seafood, & Steaks
5300 Hwy 200, Callahan FL 32011 
(904) 879-0101
http://tinyurl.com/zglbpb5

  
  

Knights in Tarnished Armour

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been soul searching and writing . Both of these tasks are ever so tiresome and viciously mentally exhausting.  I don’t know how fruitful the quest was but I have definelty learned a thing or two about my self. Wether it is for the better or not is yet to be seen. 

In a ‘Branding’ work shop I was learned two things; one- that my brand is not one of Genre or Style, nor format but actually in character. Meaning that my brand is actually stories that center around caracters that are struggling morally or internally. I have taken the liberty of coining the term, Cognitave Dissonace. Two- ensembles, apparently I write an ensemble pretty well. I think that comes from my characterization. I loath murky gray characters such as ‘The hot chick’, ‘The Dumb Badguy’, or ‘The Broken Yet Beautiful Girl’. For me when I create a character they have a back story and specific motivation for each action and for each word of dialogue.

I started to think about the notion that I write characters who are struggling to make decisions of morality  well. I guess I have an obtuse amount of empathy for someone who is either one having to make a decision under extreme stress and pressure in a time and place that later on can be looked back upon and scrutinized, or two someone who is wanting to make a good decision and struggling with or worried about how they will be perceived. 

Then I stared to think about the characters I write who are the heroes or as in many instances in my work the anti heroes. Writing stories is all about the human experience with failure and struggle and how to deal. Some people, some characters take the up hill in stride others not so much. I like to think that when people have had to deal with certain struggles or certain problems they are later better equipped to deal with those situations. Think about how wood and metal goes through rough sanding in order to look good or fit better for the builders use. Some times we have to go through a rough patch so that  we can be ready for the next one or help another. I also like to think of it as a knight whose Armour is dinged, bent, and tarnished in just the right places so just like cookie dough already in the shape of the cookie cutter the process isn’t so rough.

I think a seeing, listeing, or watching heroes struggles and in some cases succeed because of how their last has tarnished their Armour is comforting to people. Perhaps it’s motivation. Perhaps someone seeing a fictional character who is struggling with something they are struggling with succeed helps them to a thought lpatter. Of, “if they can do it I can do it”.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I do not edit these posts as I want them to be sincere streams of consciousness and not editorials. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Thanks,

Noah

  

I’m sitting here.

I’m sitting here at a booth in a sports bar, alone, on New Year’s Eve, wondering how I feel about my 2015. I reckon it wasn’t too grand considering I’m sitting here. Alas it wasn’t too bad considering I’m sitting here. Things could be worse, I could be dead or in major pain. Things could be better I could be on tour or getting the green light for one of my movies/series. But where does that leave me? Just blah?

Part of me wants to breakdown and cry. Part of me wants laugh at my self. Most of me thinks I’m nuts. I’m just very self aware. I know that I can never be happy, but I know how to busy my self contentment. I know that I will probably die sad and alone, which I have come to terms with. I know that I will always be the friend or partner who tries the hardest and fails the most. I know that I am a good guy! I know I was given the worlds greatest family and equally wonderful friends. I know that I’m one of the best storytellers and that’s what I was put here to do. I know that it is not that bad. I know I’ve lived a pretty great life. I know that 2015 had its ups and downs.

I end 2015 with sentiment that I tried, I tried real hard. I didn’t accomplish much, but I learned a lot. I learned that my resilience and perseverance probably won’t ever waver. I learned that when I don’t pay attention I can let my emotions, disorders and mental deficiencies get the best of me. Course that I knew but I learned some new ways to navigate the tough times.

I’m not where I want to be. I’m not where I’m going to be.

I’m just sitting here.

  
 
As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made. 
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful new year-
Love,

Noah

A Raging Fire

Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self. 

   I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing  others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life. 

   Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons. 

Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.

Much love,

Noah 

   

Look at my nephew!


Where the side walk ends.

    
Working on another screenplay!     
Saw this in a antique store!

 
Please!

  
I’m weird.

Terrified 

” I’m terrified. I’m terrified and terrorized by a thought. It’s hard to explain how just a thought, a possibility or a maybe can be so simultaneously devastating and fearsomely troubling. I’m scared because I do not believe that any one can nor will ever make me feel the way you made me feel about life, myself and you.”   

~an excerpt from my novel, “Leh Car”.