I am not a organized writer sometimes I will get an idea for a scene, character, plot point, an idiosyncrasy, a setting, relationship… And just write down my thoughts. As such often times my notes and research are spread across many different pieces of paper, napkins, paper table cloths, notes on my iPhone, electronic documents, voice memos… I do alot of writing between 6 and 9 AM in coffee shops, breakfast restaurants, meth labs, dinners… On occasions I will have notes spread all over the table and like today I went to the latrine and when I came back the waitress asked if I wanted more coffee and possibly kill her! I was very taken a back and she then pointed to a list of my characters some of which had red strikes through their names after I’d killed them off in my writing. Thank God she hadn’t called the cops or anything. She said something to the effect of, “I didn’t think so you don’t act like a serial killer”. Which any one who knows me knows that I can not leave and situation with out it being a thousand times more awkward than when I got there. As such I replied, “which is what makes me such a fastidious one…” (INSERT BIG CREEPY SMILE) She chuckled uncomfortably and I didn’t get anymore coffee.
With anecdotal love,
“Silent the reason and trust in your groove
Listen to your heart and its call
Make your self laugh make yourself move
You never needed a fancy dance hall
Have the gumption to take the risk
And if you fail enjoy the fall
Because in the end if it’s worth it
It will have been worth it all”
Noah A Waters III
Two hours after posting this new piece on tumblr.
Standing on a soap box.
We accept the love we think we deserve or so they say. Not entirely sure of the validity of that expression nor anything I have ever said for that matter. But I am an immensely self deprecating person as it is, so not to take some quarrel with what I say… myself is understandable and taking what others say with several grains of salt is just as comprehensible. I’ve said it many times before that I truly believe I was put here to make others happy and that I my self was not meant to be happy. Accepting both of these truths allows me to work harder to serve the happiness of others which in turn does give me some resemblance of satisfactory beatitude. I feel like we as Americans use the expression, “I feel like” way too much and no one really cares. I also feel like my love for others and need to care for others leaves me with an ample amount of opportunity to be hurt and disheartened. One thing that I do enjoy is love. As redundant as it sounds I truly love to love. I’m pretty dang good at it. Showing someone that I care by putting their needs before mine quite frankly is very natural to me. I barely ever put anything of mine very high on any priority list. Loving just comes easy to me and with that comes all it’s negative side effects. I’m ever so thankful and grateful for those God has put in my life who love me. My friends and my family are sincerely not replaceable. I don’t believe I would still be here if it weren’t for them, in fact I know it. Do you ever wonder what the percentage of what we’ve gotten right in life is compared to the contrary. Honestly I suck at math but in my experience the ratio would be rather lopsided or improper if you will. (Can ratios be improper or is that just fractions?) the Greeks broke love down into three levels; Eros meaning passion and desire, Fileo meaning an appreciation and fondness for others and finally Agape or the strongest and unconditional love the type of love that you would be willing to die for. It is very obvious that love is immensely important and plays a unavoidable role in all cultures; we find love discussed in and through out history in songs and stories of all kinds and from all times. The times we are in I believe have convoluted what love is. (I am not a woman and realise that I can not and do not speak for all women) I feel like some how for the past few generations ladies have been conditioned in some way into a understanding on some level whether subconscious or not to accept what I deem as bad behaviour and/or bad manners as a sign of affection and adoration. I realise you would never get into what the Greeks would refer to as agape love when you first start dating someone, and I realise that the days of courting are long gone. However all that being said I think that the phenomenon aggressively perpetuates the whole “nice guys finish last” ugh thingy. Now (beat) that being said I have a problem with that as well because while there are genuinely “nice” guys out there a portions of them are only nice to women in the hopes, intention and desire that they will allow them to have sex with them. If that is your intention then you are not a nice guy. That being said (are you starting to notice a pattern?) nice guys are put in a position where the manners and good behaviour comes off as odd, weird, or awkward and I have said all that to say this, ‘I don’t like it’. (Anticlimactic I know.) but that’s who I am a person of such internal confusion half the time I don’t know what my point is or why I am so passionate about why the salt should be to the left of the pepper, I have to sit with my back to a wall in every restaurant and why no doggie should be homeless. I’m odd. I’m sad a great deal and I’m okay with it. I have a plethora of internal conflict so much so that the conflicting feels or emotions if you will result in a unpredictable set of plot points. There is a ying and yang inside of men wouldn’t with on anyone with desires and wishes that can never be met or answered because of mental and social downfalls and shortcomings. I am an improbable solution, a slut who is scared to go in for a first kiss and a person who can feel alone in a immensely crowded room. I don’t know what will happen to and for me from one moment to the next. All I know is that I am immensely envious of those who can just “be” happy when I have to work incredulously hard at it just to be ugh not sad. But I don’t plan on giving up in that fight any time soon. The greatest three things in the world are to find a way to make money at what you love, to love and to be loved. I guess in short I wish you a life of love in love weather that means putting your self out there to allow for something to happen or working on yourself. Try every morning to tell yourself that today I am going to do something that future Noah or insert your name rather, will thank you for.
I hope this was was helpful if wasnt and you feel the need to tell me how badly I suck at life you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.
Wishing you all the love-
nor sure where it is now or how to find it.
So here begins now.
I mean now…
There are some people who leave behind memories of moments that impact people greatly. I mostly leave people thinking, “Well that was awkward”. Fair waringing this is a a stream of conciousness I do not edit my self or go back and change things. I want it to be transparent, honest and in the moment. That being said please forgive the grammar, syntax, spelling and sentence structure as this is literally just a stream of conciousness and not editorial.
Also maladroit is a great word try and use it in a conversation today.