Tag: life

Faux Pa

Faux Pa

I have talked about my disappointment in my self that I do not have a family (wife and kids) several times.

For some reason today it really hit hard. I mean there is always a itching of depression that exists in me, but on some days, when it is full blown…. Wow. It is so severe that it deadens you. Makes you feel immobile and non ambulatory in the most vicious of ways. Like you’re drowning in air, burning in water, and/or smushed by gravity.

What am I to do? Be thankful that I am one of the most fortunate individuals that has ever lived? That I have a wonderfully amazing and loving family and multiple good friends?

There is shame in depression that don’t easily explained. At least not for me. How could I be sad? How could some one that is as outrageously loved and lucky as I…. be sad? Why? How? …

I don’t know!

If I did know, I probably wouldn’t be so broken or sensitive.

Has sad stuff happened to me?

Yes.

Has sad stuff happened to EVERYONE?

Yes.

Why can I/you get over it? Man up? Soldier on? Cowboy up?…..

None of it changes everything or anything. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the fact that I am fat, ugly, and with out a wife and kids. Today it has done nothing but tear me up. Or down, depending how you interpret that expression.

I am what I am. And what I am is a dad bod filled with dad jokes possessing no offspring. Which is pretty important for the whole “Dad” thing.

I guess you can call me a faux pa.

So sorry I will see my self out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

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The thing is…

The thing is I have slow hands and a fast heart.

However, I truly do my best to try to play my stupid part.

Problem is, the play I’ve been cast in is a horrible work of art.

Worse than that is this role I’ve been cast in ain’t nothing but ah la carte.

I was born an emotional storm that was built to perform.

In regards to what’s normal I’ve always trouble trying to conform.

Yet here I’ve been cast as nothing but bloody scenery.

What I want to do is explain to every one what little they have seen of me.

The thing is my rough edges refuse to conform.

And the result is I’m left the way wrong shade of bloody greenery.

The thing is I was born with a fast heart.

Slow to judge and fast to fondness.

What I want is perfect politeness, a truly lost art.

It’s one of the deepest cuts, heavily ingrained in my subconscious.

The thing is I don’t want to be fake or run my life like a scam.

My heart beats different in order to design a more artful electrocardiogram.

The thing is I have slow hands.

In all things social I’m not very skilful.

In fact, the moments most find awkward I find very blissful.

The thing is I love Italian food and sweet Chilean wine and to be honest that’s probably why my sugars are giving me problems all the time.

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

The creation of ART is SOCIALISM, but the LIFE of a CREATIVE is CAPITALISM

As a community artist, creatives, and others alike thrive on creativity in a hive mind like environment. We all want for the funny, the story, or what ever is being created to be its best. We all want the best for the product. However as individuals, creatives we are total capitalist! We want to succeed individually so we can further our own projects, products, and thus careers. It’s kind of a very intriguing — ugh I don’t know if you would call it phenomenon or not. We are a bunch of for profits operating in a industry revolving around story, and art integrity, and purists who all evolve and cultivate as this yingyang of entrepreneurial artisans capitalizing on prose and satire.
I wonder if the cognitive dissonance created by this, our culture in the creative buisness gives us a predisposition to emotional botheration, if that makes sense. Like do people who make a living mining out emotion and fleshing out story, baring our innards leave their/our paths to our hearts strings that much more trail blazed and as such easily traversed by emotional terror. Or, as I just realized, what I meant to say is are we just more sensitive.

As a comedian and a creative I think I have become desensitized to failure but as a kid with depression, anxiety, and Atelophobia I will never be unterrified of disappointment. I will never cease to strive off of the… Well not just the approval of others but the addiction of being able to affect other people via my art. I love being able to make people care and feel things. The easiest way for me to make you have the feels is to lacerate my shield of self hiding and let you into the danger of what is my core. Then hopefully we will have a great alignment of sentiments and in that moment you will say yes, I agree. In the same manner also if the sentiments do not mesh or match up that grifting will cause you to feel something. Either way the intention is for it to resonate as much as possible.  

What was I talking about?

I think, if it’s possible the Internet makes this whole ordeal In today’s society that much worse. Meaning we figuratively drown in a wealth of readily accessible information whilst, yet starving for the wisdom we should be gaining and utilizing by rescuing ourselves from a drought of common sense.

Our society flourishes on self doubt. Oppressors, wether they be government, advertisers, or whatever they only succeed at what they do most by reigning over a group of self doubters. The greatest rebellion is one of confidence. Being a rebel does not mean you have to be a rioting libertine. You could just be a super good you, a confident you and that’s enough to with stand the ever flowing current of flow goers. It is harder to oppress someone who is standing against the flow and above it because they can see it. If you can see it, it is harder to be swayed by it. So be a rebel. To quote The Ambassadors, “So, all hail the underdogs. All hail the new kids. All hail the outlaws. Spielbergs and Kubricks.” Go be a rebel, have confidence in your self. Believe that which makes you unique, what gives you singularity and unlikeness is what could possibly make you a success in this what we call our world.
 

A smarter man once said, “To thine own self be true”. Later on history another said, “You do you”. I’m saying you do, or ugh be rather, the best you, then if and when you succeed or fail you can know that it wasn’t because of falsehood. 

As alway I’d like to thank you for reading my nonsense. Please note it is very important to me that these entries just be a stream of consciousness and not a editorial so there is now editing done and I apologise for mistakes.  I hope you got something out of it. If you hate what I wrote so much feel free to let me know at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Sorry I’m not smarter.

Knights in Tarnished Armour

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been soul searching and writing . Both of these tasks are ever so tiresome and viciously mentally exhausting.  I don’t know how fruitful the quest was but I have definelty learned a thing or two about my self. Wether it is for the better or not is yet to be seen. 

In a ‘Branding’ work shop I was learned two things; one- that my brand is not one of Genre or Style, nor format but actually in character. Meaning that my brand is actually stories that center around caracters that are struggling morally or internally. I have taken the liberty of coining the term, Cognitave Dissonace. Two- ensembles, apparently I write an ensemble pretty well. I think that comes from my characterization. I loath murky gray characters such as ‘The hot chick’, ‘The Dumb Badguy’, or ‘The Broken Yet Beautiful Girl’. For me when I create a character they have a back story and specific motivation for each action and for each word of dialogue.

I started to think about the notion that I write characters who are struggling to make decisions of morality  well. I guess I have an obtuse amount of empathy for someone who is either one having to make a decision under extreme stress and pressure in a time and place that later on can be looked back upon and scrutinized, or two someone who is wanting to make a good decision and struggling with or worried about how they will be perceived. 

Then I stared to think about the characters I write who are the heroes or as in many instances in my work the anti heroes. Writing stories is all about the human experience with failure and struggle and how to deal. Some people, some characters take the up hill in stride others not so much. I like to think that when people have had to deal with certain struggles or certain problems they are later better equipped to deal with those situations. Think about how wood and metal goes through rough sanding in order to look good or fit better for the builders use. Some times we have to go through a rough patch so that  we can be ready for the next one or help another. I also like to think of it as a knight whose Armour is dinged, bent, and tarnished in just the right places so just like cookie dough already in the shape of the cookie cutter the process isn’t so rough.

I think a seeing, listeing, or watching heroes struggles and in some cases succeed because of how their last has tarnished their Armour is comforting to people. Perhaps it’s motivation. Perhaps someone seeing a fictional character who is struggling with something they are struggling with succeed helps them to a thought lpatter. Of, “if they can do it I can do it”.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I do not edit these posts as I want them to be sincere streams of consciousness and not editorials. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Thanks,

Noah

  

A Raging Fire

Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self. 

   I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing  others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life. 

   Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons. 

Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.

Much love,

Noah 

   

Look at my nephew!


Where the side walk ends.

    
Working on another screenplay!     
Saw this in a antique store!

 
Please!

  
I’m weird.

Covering the spread

Covering the spread

   If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime). 

   According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.

   Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.

   I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?

   I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if  you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important,  don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits. 

I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.

   And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws. 

   Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable  with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.

   I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date. 
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 
   

The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at

Dublin Street Pub

 1745 E University Ave

Las Cruces, New Mexico

 88001

United States

  
   
    

   

Life in Love 

Life in Love 

Standing on a soap box.

We accept the love we think we deserve or so they say.  Not entirely sure of the validity of that expression nor anything I have ever said for that matter. But I am an immensely self deprecating person as it is, so not to take some quarrel with what I say… myself  is understandable and taking what others say with several grains of salt is just as comprehensible. I’ve said it many times before that I truly believe I was put here to make others happy and that I my self was not meant to be happy. Accepting both of these truths allows me to work harder to serve the happiness of others which in turn does give me some resemblance of satisfactory beatitude. I feel like we as Americans use the expression, “I feel like” way too much  and no one really cares. I also feel like  my love for others and need to care for others leaves me with an ample amount of opportunity to be hurt and disheartened. One thing that I do enjoy is love. As redundant as it sounds I truly love to love. I’m pretty dang good at it. Showing someone that I care by putting their needs before mine quite frankly is very natural to me. I barely ever put anything of mine very high on any priority list. Loving just comes easy to me and with that comes all it’s negative side effects. I’m ever so thankful and grateful for those God has put in my life who love me. My friends and my family are sincerely not replaceable. I don’t believe I would still be here if it weren’t for them, in fact I know it. Do you ever wonder what the percentage of what we’ve gotten right in life is compared to the contrary. Honestly I suck at math but in my experience the ratio would be rather lopsided or improper if you will. (Can ratios be improper or is that just fractions?) the Greeks broke love down into three levels; Eros meaning passion and desire, Fileo meaning an appreciation and fondness for others and finally Agape or the strongest and unconditional love the type of love that you would be willing to die for.  It is very obvious that love is immensely important and plays a unavoidable role in all cultures; we find love discussed in and through out history in songs and stories of all kinds and from all times. The times we are in I believe have convoluted what love is. (I am not a woman and realise that I can not and do not speak for all women) I feel like some how for the past few generations ladies have been conditioned in some way into a understanding on some level whether   subconscious or not to accept what I deem as bad behaviour and/or bad manners as a sign of affection and adoration. I realise you would never get into what the Greeks would refer to as agape love when you first start dating someone, and I realise that the days of courting are long gone. However all that being said I think that the phenomenon aggressively perpetuates the whole “nice guys finish last” ugh thingy.  Now (beat) that being said I have a problem with that as well because while there are genuinely “nice” guys out there a portions of them are only nice to women in the hopes, intention and desire that they will allow them to have sex with them. If that is your intention then you are not a nice guy. That being said  (are you starting to notice a pattern?) nice guys are put in a position where the manners and good behaviour comes off as odd, weird, or awkward and I have said all that to say this, ‘I don’t like it’.  (Anticlimactic I know.)  but that’s who I am a person of such internal confusion half the time I don’t know what my point is or why I am so passionate about why the salt should be to the left of the pepper, I have to sit with my back to a wall in every restaurant and why no doggie should be homeless. I’m odd. I’m sad a great deal and I’m okay with it. I have a plethora of internal conflict so much so that the conflicting feels or emotions if you will result in a unpredictable set of plot points. There is a ying and yang inside of men wouldn’t with on anyone with desires and wishes that can never be met or answered because of mental and social downfalls and shortcomings. I am an improbable solution, a slut who is scared to go in for a first kiss and a person who can feel alone in a immensely crowded room. I don’t know what will happen to and for me from one moment to the next. All I know is that I am immensely envious of those who can just “be” happy when I have to work incredulously hard at it just to be ugh not sad. But I don’t plan on giving up in that fight any time soon. The greatest three things in the world are to find a way to make money at what you love, to love and to be loved. I guess in short I wish you a life of love in love weather that means putting your self out there to allow for something to happen or working on yourself. Try every morning to tell yourself that today I am going to do something that future Noah or insert your name rather, will thank you for.

I hope this was was helpful if wasnt and you feel the need to tell me how badly I suck at life you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Wishing you all the love-

Noah