Tag: oh the feels

Depressed Anxiety

I’d like to report I am doing well for the first and longest stretch of time.

For 20 months I have been off the Wellbutrin, Abilify, and clonazePAM. Due to the addition of medicinal cannabis to my daily meds. 1 to 1 edibles THC/CBD preferably a indica dominate hybrid. 15 mg in the morning and 15 at night. This regiment along with my other diabetic meds have kept me emotionally stable and not deeply sad or the most I can come to happy

Today, I had a terrible anxiety attack of depression. The first one in 16 months. I still have my clonazePAM but I did not have it on me at the park. Today I saw a man sitting on a park bench.

How could that send you into a heart attack of depression, Noah?

It was like the worst DeJaVu. I knew what I was about to see, a millisecond before I did.

His toddler of a daughter called out, “Daddy!”. As she ran towards him from the parking lot. His wife in tow. He stood and she ran to him. He lifted her, spun, and kissed her before being in her into a hug. Then he hugged and kissed his wife. Then they hugged as a family.

I never talk about it. But besides marine biologist , a cowboy, and a filmmaker. One of my biggest desires as a kid was to have a family. Be a husband and a dad. I’ve always wanted to adopt as well.

It’s never going to happen. For a moment that want came back in a heart wrenching , chest tightening blow to the soul. I couldn’t breath. The severe sadness spread from chest to my extremities. I couldn’t catch my breath for the gasps and tears.

I was able to get to a secluded area. So thankfully no one saw me having the attack. It’s important to have a plan in place if you have a problem with anxiety attacks. Mine are rooted in depression not panic so I have specific step to go through to bring my self around that me an my therapists worked out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

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Faux Pa

Faux Pa

I have talked about my disappointment in my self that I do not have a family (wife and kids) several times.

For some reason today it really hit hard. I mean there is always a itching of depression that exists in me, but on some days, when it is full blown…. Wow. It is so severe that it deadens you. Makes you feel immobile and non ambulatory in the most vicious of ways. Like you’re drowning in air, burning in water, and/or smushed by gravity.

What am I to do? Be thankful that I am one of the most fortunate individuals that has ever lived? That I have a wonderfully amazing and loving family and multiple good friends?

There is shame in depression that don’t easily explained. At least not for me. How could I be sad? How could some one that is as outrageously loved and lucky as I…. be sad? Why? How? …

I don’t know!

If I did know, I probably wouldn’t be so broken or sensitive.

Has sad stuff happened to me?

Yes.

Has sad stuff happened to EVERYONE?

Yes.

Why can I/you get over it? Man up? Soldier on? Cowboy up?…..

None of it changes everything or anything. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the fact that I am fat, ugly, and with out a wife and kids. Today it has done nothing but tear me up. Or down, depending how you interpret that expression.

I am what I am. And what I am is a dad bod filled with dad jokes possessing no offspring. Which is pretty important for the whole “Dad” thing.

I guess you can call me a faux pa.

So sorry I will see my self out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

The thing is…

The thing is I have slow hands and a fast heart.

However, I truly do my best to try to play my stupid part.

Problem is, the play I’ve been cast in is a horrible work of art.

Worse than that is this role I’ve been cast in ain’t nothing but ah la carte.

I was born an emotional storm that was built to perform.

In regards to what’s normal I’ve always trouble trying to conform.

Yet here I’ve been cast as nothing but bloody scenery.

What I want to do is explain to every one what little they have seen of me.

The thing is my rough edges refuse to conform.

And the result is I’m left the way wrong shade of bloody greenery.

The thing is I was born with a fast heart.

Slow to judge and fast to fondness.

What I want is perfect politeness, a truly lost art.

It’s one of the deepest cuts, heavily ingrained in my subconscious.

The thing is I don’t want to be fake or run my life like a scam.

My heart beats different in order to design a more artful electrocardiogram.

The thing is I have slow hands.

In all things social I’m not very skilful.

In fact, the moments most find awkward I find very blissful.

The thing is I love Italian food and sweet Chilean wine and to be honest that’s probably why my sugars are giving me problems all the time.

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Pessimistically Optimistic

Pessimistically Optimistic

Am I a pessimist?

I don’t know. Maybe.

I can be. At times. For sure. I do feel like a lot of my life is spent expecting for the next of my life to be sad, bad, or disappointing to my self and those I care about.

Which is not a bad thing. I feel like, having rather pessimistic tendencies keeps me in a state or status of either been correct or wonderfully surprised and excited.

It’s easy to feel optimistic or feel like you’re optimistic when things surprise and excite you, when you feel like you have not been a disappointment to yourself and those you care about.

Know what I mean, Vern?

I am very rarely disappointed by people in my life for two reasons.

One because the people that are close to me are amazing and two everyone I I never expect anything from anyone so I’m very rarely disappointed by people.

I feel like I use the phrase “I feel like” too much.

Also, I feel like I’m more prepared for tough situations because I am pessimistic. Kinda like a pessimism/prudentism… ugh…. thing. Although! I feel like I’m sill not emotionally…. like I still don’t take disappointment well nor do I deal well emotionally with sad situations. However because of pessimism I do, do well with stress and bad situations. I’m weird.

I am a great person to talk to… well anytime time, but what I was going to say was I am a great person to talk to when you’re down. I think or I don’t know rather if that has to do with my pessimistic side of my personality.

It’s not easy for me to be happy. Actually we have talked before, in the past, about how it is an impossibility to just be happy, for me anyway. With my specific concoction of conditions I have to fight and really work at it to be happy. However I pride my self on being a rather strong fighter. Not all the time. But I have a tool set I developed with my therapist and slight pessimism is a part of that.

Also because the pessimistic side of me has been with me and recognizes the lowest of the low points in my life I FEEL LIKE I can now more severely appreciate the high points.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 

I’m sitting here.

I’m sitting here at a booth in a sports bar, alone, on New Year’s Eve, wondering how I feel about my 2015. I reckon it wasn’t too grand considering I’m sitting here. Alas it wasn’t too bad considering I’m sitting here. Things could be worse, I could be dead or in major pain. Things could be better I could be on tour or getting the green light for one of my movies/series. But where does that leave me? Just blah?

Here I sit on the WRONG SIDE OF MY TWENTIES and part of me wants to breakdown and cry. Part of me wants laugh at my self. Most of me thinks I’m nuts. I’m just very self aware. I know that I can never be happy, but I know how to busy my self contentment. I know that I will probably die sad and alone, which I have come to terms with. I know that I will always be the friend or partner who tries the hardest and fails the most. I know that I am a good guy! I know I was given the worlds greatest family and equally wonderful friends. I know that I’m one of the best storytellers and that’s what I was put here to do. I know that it is not that bad. I know I’ve lived a pretty great life. I know that 2015 had its ups and downs.

I end 2015 with sentiment that I tried, I tried real hard. I didn’t accomplish much, but I learned a lot. I learned that my resilience and perseverance probably won’t ever waver. I learned that when I don’t pay attention I can let my emotions, disorders and mental deficiencies get the best of me. Course that I knew but I learned some new ways to navigate the tough times.

I’m not where I want to be. I’m not where I’m going to be.

I’m just sitting here.


As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful new year-
Love,

Noah

Suffering 

I’ve been suffering a lot lately, at my own expense and cause. A series of most disheartening events came my way and I was not the man I should have been. I did not defend my self like I know I can and should. I let depression and overwhelming anxiety take over me. I failed. I failed hard. I over ate. I let the darkness fully invelop and cloud everything about me to the point where I merely sat and wallard in despair and desolation. It wasn’t until I got some good news from a production company that I was able to recognize my failure to heed the warning signs. 

   But now I’m back! Or well on the incline anyway. I know I can’t be happy, but my level of contentment is beginning to even out at a level that I can live with and get back to making others happy. 

   I want to thank and apologies to those who wrote to me concerned about my posts. Some times the hardest advice to swallow is that of our own. I’m working on getting back to where I was and will hopefully have some better or less dark writing coming y’all’s way. Not that dark is a bad thing but the place I was, was too dark. That begin said I’m only taking down one post because I fear it may hender others with depression and lead them in a way they shouldn’t be lead. The others I will leave for y’all to read at your leisure. 

As always thanks so much for reading!

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

-Noah 

  

We are victims of life

We are victims of life,

Nothing but a side-effect of death.

We cut wounds with our own knife,

Beating back strife with every breath.
***

Down here the walls are paper thin,

Never dampening the sound of isolation.

Instead we are beat into a state of chagrin,

Loudly breaching the barrier of devastation.
***

What is life? Said everyone to us all.

Is it nothing? Nothing but failed attempts at everything?

Metaphoricaly beating our heads against a great stone wall,

Milking and surviving from the hope to which we all cling.
***

Are we suppose to torture ourselves?

As the self loathing narcissist we are,  doomed to sadden.

Collecting nothing but bad memories on a shelf.

And the opposing forces causes us to madden.
***

With good intent we believe in striving for betterment,

But the result is null.

We work hard wanting a better sentiment,

Continuing our efforts and bludgeoning our emotional skull.
***

Dark are the days behind us,

Dark are the days ahead.

Nothing but happy thoughts should we discuss,

Less our happiness be but completely bled.