I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself.
I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now.
I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.