Tag: help

Depressed Anxiety

I’d like to report I am doing well for the first and longest stretch of time.

For 20 months I have been off the Wellbutrin, Abilify, and clonazePAM. Due to the addition of medicinal cannabis to my daily meds. 1 to 1 edibles THC/CBD preferably a indica dominate hybrid. 15 mg in the morning and 15 at night. This regiment along with my other diabetic meds have kept me emotionally stable and not deeply sad or the most I can come to happy

Today, I had a terrible anxiety attack of depression. The first one in 16 months. I still have my clonazePAM but I did not have it on me at the park. Today I saw a man sitting on a park bench.

How could that send you into a heart attack of depression, Noah?

It was like the worst DeJaVu. I knew what I was about to see, a millisecond before I did.

His toddler of a daughter called out, “Daddy!”. As she ran towards him from the parking lot. His wife in tow. He stood and she ran to him. He lifted her, spun, and kissed her before being in her into a hug. Then he hugged and kissed his wife. Then they hugged as a family.

I never talk about it. But besides marine biologist , a cowboy, and a filmmaker. One of my biggest desires as a kid was to have a family. Be a husband and a dad. I’ve always wanted to adopt as well.

It’s never going to happen. For a moment that want came back in a heart wrenching , chest tightening blow to the soul. I couldn’t breath. The severe sadness spread from chest to my extremities. I couldn’t catch my breath for the gasps and tears.

I was able to get to a secluded area. So thankfully no one saw me having the attack. It’s important to have a plan in place if you have a problem with anxiety attacks. Mine are rooted in depression not panic so I have specific step to go through to bring my self around that me an my therapists worked out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

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Faux Pa

Faux Pa

I have talked about my disappointment in my self that I do not have a family (wife and kids) several times.

For some reason today it really hit hard. I mean there is always a itching of depression that exists in me, but on some days, when it is full blown…. Wow. It is so severe that it deadens you. Makes you feel immobile and non ambulatory in the most vicious of ways. Like you’re drowning in air, burning in water, and/or smushed by gravity.

What am I to do? Be thankful that I am one of the most fortunate individuals that has ever lived? That I have a wonderfully amazing and loving family and multiple good friends?

There is shame in depression that don’t easily explained. At least not for me. How could I be sad? How could some one that is as outrageously loved and lucky as I…. be sad? Why? How? …

I don’t know!

If I did know, I probably wouldn’t be so broken or sensitive.

Has sad stuff happened to me?

Yes.

Has sad stuff happened to EVERYONE?

Yes.

Why can I/you get over it? Man up? Soldier on? Cowboy up?…..

None of it changes everything or anything. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the fact that I am fat, ugly, and with out a wife and kids. Today it has done nothing but tear me up. Or down, depending how you interpret that expression.

I am what I am. And what I am is a dad bod filled with dad jokes possessing no offspring. Which is pretty important for the whole “Dad” thing.

I guess you can call me a faux pa.

So sorry I will see my self out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

The thing is…

The thing is I have slow hands and a fast heart.

However, I truly do my best to try to play my stupid part.

Problem is, the play I’ve been cast in is a horrible work of art.

Worse than that is this role I’ve been cast in ain’t nothing but ah la carte.

I was born an emotional storm that was built to perform.

In regards to what’s normal I’ve always trouble trying to conform.

Yet here I’ve been cast as nothing but bloody scenery.

What I want to do is explain to every one what little they have seen of me.

The thing is my rough edges refuse to conform.

And the result is I’m left the way wrong shade of bloody greenery.

The thing is I was born with a fast heart.

Slow to judge and fast to fondness.

What I want is perfect politeness, a truly lost art.

It’s one of the deepest cuts, heavily ingrained in my subconscious.

The thing is I don’t want to be fake or run my life like a scam.

My heart beats different in order to design a more artful electrocardiogram.

The thing is I have slow hands.

In all things social I’m not very skilful.

In fact, the moments most find awkward I find very blissful.

The thing is I love Italian food and sweet Chilean wine and to be honest that’s probably why my sugars are giving me problems all the time.

I don’t like me

I don’t like me

Two days ago my therapist asked me, kind of out of the blue, what I wanted from therapy.

It was towards the end of our session and didn’t have really anything to do with the bulk of our conversation had to do it that day. It really caught me offguard and I could only think of one thing to say.

“I would like to one day get to a place where I like me.”

I think the kind of sums it up.

I have lived a life of disappointment and I guess I just want to be OK with that.

yeah–

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

❤

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Knights in Tarnished Armour

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been soul searching and writing . Both of these tasks are ever so tiresome and viciously mentally exhausting.  I don’t know how fruitful the quest was but I have definelty learned a thing or two about my self. Wether it is for the better or not is yet to be seen. 

In a ‘Branding’ work shop I was learned two things; one- that my brand is not one of Genre or Style, nor format but actually in character. Meaning that my brand is actually stories that center around caracters that are struggling morally or internally. I have taken the liberty of coining the term, Cognitave Dissonace. Two- ensembles, apparently I write an ensemble pretty well. I think that comes from my characterization. I loath murky gray characters such as ‘The hot chick’, ‘The Dumb Badguy’, or ‘The Broken Yet Beautiful Girl’. For me when I create a character they have a back story and specific motivation for each action and for each word of dialogue.

I started to think about the notion that I write characters who are struggling to make decisions of morality  well. I guess I have an obtuse amount of empathy for someone who is either one having to make a decision under extreme stress and pressure in a time and place that later on can be looked back upon and scrutinized, or two someone who is wanting to make a good decision and struggling with or worried about how they will be perceived. 

Then I stared to think about the characters I write who are the heroes or as in many instances in my work the anti heroes. Writing stories is all about the human experience with failure and struggle and how to deal. Some people, some characters take the up hill in stride others not so much. I like to think that when people have had to deal with certain struggles or certain problems they are later better equipped to deal with those situations. Think about how wood and metal goes through rough sanding in order to look good or fit better for the builders use. Some times we have to go through a rough patch so that  we can be ready for the next one or help another. I also like to think of it as a knight whose Armour is dinged, bent, and tarnished in just the right places so just like cookie dough already in the shape of the cookie cutter the process isn’t so rough.

I think a seeing, listeing, or watching heroes struggles and in some cases succeed because of how their last has tarnished their Armour is comforting to people. Perhaps it’s motivation. Perhaps someone seeing a fictional character who is struggling with something they are struggling with succeed helps them to a thought lpatter. Of, “if they can do it I can do it”.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I do not edit these posts as I want them to be sincere streams of consciousness and not editorials. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com 

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Thanks,

Noah

  

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself. 

I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now. 

I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.

 I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.   
 

5 Steps to getting back up

First of all we all fall in different ways, at different speeds and with different intensities. You might get your feelings hurt when someone forgets something about you, perhaps you hold a certain item or trait at a much higher esteem than another and their flippancy hurts you,  or something that you just knew in your heart of hearts (compared to your heart of lungs?) was a sure thing but didn’t pan out now your life is over… Someone once said “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I tend to agree with the first half of that. We all suffer but some of us to different degrees than others. No matter what the circumstance some times wounds and scars that aren’t visible hurt the absolute worst and cause the most damage. I may be wrong (it’s happened in the past) but I don’t think you can adjust your sensitivity. If you are a person who takes everything to heart then that is a burden you have to learn to deal with if you are a person that can let any old thing roll off of your shoulder then I don’t like you or well I am incredibly envious of you. Also I am not a medical professional by no means and these findings are solely based off of my experiences as a human.

1- Deal with and manage the pain

   This is something that I myself am not good at. I suffer from severe manic depression, anxiety attacks, attention deficit disorder, atelophobia, PTSD, short-term memory loss and synesthesia. But that’s all. I’m a mess and admittedly I can be more than difficult to deal with sometimes because of that. One of the most useful tactics I’ve ever been taught in therapy was having a protocol set up for pain management.

      1 Establish why you are hurting. It is much easier to attack a target and defend against a foe when you know what it is. Once you can clearly identify what is causing you pain (i.e. Britney lied/cheated on/ or was mean/rude to me, I go out of my way for john and he couldn’t help me today, My mom is disappointed in me, Anna ignored me, Lyle does not feel the same way about me as I do for him…) make it as specific as possible. Once you can define your pain and it’s stimulus or stimuli as the case may be you can separate it from your self . Don’t let the pain become your identity. Express the pain but don’t let it become your story. 

      2 Determine a course of action both mentally and physically of what you are going to do to correct this and prevent it from happening again and then do it. Do your best to use this as a learning experience so you can determine what you yourself did that aided in you getting hurt and try to figure out how to ugh not do that again. Self awareness is so important and figuring out your course of action quickly based off of that awareness helps you not  dwell on the cause and to quickly move on to the solution. Goals are so important. Make the decision that this hurts…  I do not want to hurt… I want to do this. Then focus your energy on that thing and not on what’s causing you to hurt. Keep yourself in the present with what caused the pain behind you. Move forward, move on or if nothing else just move away from what it is that causing you to hurt and if you can’t move away geographically, then decide on an action that will fix your environment or the situation.  If you can not figure out how to immediately make your self happy do something that will make some one you care about happy even if it’s something small.  

      3 Again just act don’t dwell on the bad stuff. Once the decision is made get a move on.

3-Forgive the person who hurt you and yourself.

   Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting the hurt go not a sign of weaknes or inferiority. Forgiving someone is saying good bye to the clutch inside of you and saying hello to the opportunity for joy and happiness to fill the void.  Telling your self it is okay and forgiving yourself will bring you to even higher level of self awareness. If you are like me you are scared to forgive some people because in truth the grudge and/or pain you have because of them is the only link and somehow psychologically we fear the absence of that connection between them. Most important thing to do in forgiving is to loose the role as the blameless victim, take up the responsibility of the rest of your life and move on.

4- Focus on your blessings and lessons

In most of these situations you come out with a new life lesson and a slightly different outlook on life. Maybe you learned who isn’t truly a friend, or that you can not handle certain situations alone, maybe you learned to never mix sleeping pills and laxatives. What ever the case may be use the experience to better yourself, your life and the lives of those around you. Ask yourself what am I grateful for now that I have gone through that. What am I more grateful for now that I have gone through that. What skills and tools do I have now that I went through that and how can I use them.

5-Do your up most to be as happy as possible at all times.

I don’t know if being hurt is a state-of-mind necessarily but it definitely impacts your state-of-mind. As such you should try your hardest to smile as much as you can and help others to do the same.

I suck at math don’t judge me.


I hope that you got something out of this and if not and you feel the need to inform me how horrible of a human I am you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

Be happy-

Noah