The only thing I succeed at is failing.

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself. 

I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now. 

I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.

 I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.   
 

We are victims of life

We are victims of life,

Nothing but a side-effect of death.

We cut wounds with our own knife,

Beating back strife with every breath.
***

Down here the walls are paper thin,

Never dampening the sound of isolation.

Instead we are beat into a state of chagrin,

Loudly breaching the barrier of devastation.
***

What is life? Said everyone to us all.

Is it nothing? Nothing but failed attempts at everything?

Metaphoricaly beating our heads against a great stone wall,

Milking and surviving from the hope to which we all cling.
***

Are we suppose to torture ourselves?

As the self loathing narcissist we are,  doomed to sadden.

Collecting nothing but bad memories on a shelf.

And the opposing forces causes us to madden.
***

With good intent we believe in striving for betterment,

But the result is null.

We work hard wanting a better sentiment,

Continuing our efforts and bludgeoning our emotional skull.
***

Dark are the days behind us,

Dark are the days ahead.

Nothing but happy thoughts should we discuss,

Less our happiness be but completely bled.

I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I am a being made of constantly opposing innerds. I am a introverted extrovert,I love the outdoors and air conditioning, I am a self loathing, narcissistic manic depressive who constantly has to talk him self up supportively and down off the ledge as it were. I am a open minded conservative republican with liberalistic tendencies. As a Mason and a Christian I believe whole heartedly in the separation of church and state. I believe in and support both equality and gun rights. I am the type of person who has to make sure everyone at the party is having a good time, while feeling alone. I’m the guy who wants an Agape style, Disney-esque love with romance and all that tenderness crap, who knows he will never have it. I’m the friend who would do anything and stick up for you but may never fully trust anyone. I am by no means anti-social, I believe I am accepting of all people but quite possibly selectively-social. Basically I’m a royally screwed up mess inside and out. That is something I have had to simultaneously come to terms with and deal with.  I’ve often wondered how insane it would be to make my own voodoo doll and give my self a back rub or just a pat on the back. I enjoy being alone but I also feed off of the positivity of others. One moment I can desire to be alone in a room with a book reading or working on a screen, teleplay, novel, short story or music and the next want to be the life of the party. I’m built of nothing but opposites.

One of the reasons I can’t be happy is this insurmountably internal dissonance. If me or what makes up me is so conflicting and constantly at war how could I ever settle into a relaxed state to allow for happiness to cultivate much less prosper. The breakthrough that I wasn’t meant to and can not just be happy, sadly was one of the greatest and most healthy realisations I’ve ever had in therapy. There comes a point where you have to except that which is fact and move on in a positive path. I some times wish or rather envy sociopaths. I wonder how the absence of empathy and emotions would effect me as person and as a storyteller.  I exist to make others feel things; happy, bad, sad, awkward… I think my job as a creator is to make others feel something and hopefully in doing so they look inside their own selves.  

My life and experiences in the military, law enforcement, entertainment and sales has left me with an unruly realisation of the depth of evil people are capable of. I still have an unruly need to help others. All of this results in rapid and unprovoked mood shifts, impulsivity and emotional instability. These are all things you can deal with and control with healthy emotional choices. Learn what tends to lead you into depressive and overly aggressive moods then when you are able to recognise these paths they are easier to avoid. Once you know your triggers, warning signs and red flags you can avoid them. Take the time to examine yourself every ke and again. When you do ask yourself how do I truly feel, unbiased and with out fear of self judgment … how do I feel? Where am I both in consideration of head space and emotionally. 

Also if you are ever in Las Cruces, New Mexico go to A Bite of Belgium at 741 N Alameda Blvd, Unit 16, 88005-2194, United States. Order the omelette and waffles. Your mouthgasm will thank me.

 As always thank you so much for reading. Remember this blog is quite literally nothing more than a stream of consciousness and I do not edit for grammar, spelling, or anything. Again thank for reading I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Mit Liebe,

Noah