Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

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Covering the spread

Covering the spread

   If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime). 

   According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.

   Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.

   I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?

   I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if  you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important,  don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits. 

I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.

   And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws. 

   Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable  with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.

   I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date. 
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 
   

The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at

Dublin Street Pub

 1745 E University Ave

Las Cruces, New Mexico

 88001

United States