Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Focus on the good stuff

There is plenty of the bad in our lives. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness, our own good. Sometimes good times are sent our way. Last weekend I had some the best times sent my way. I was invited to the Writers Guild of America West’s Writers Guild Foundation Veterans Workshop. Where I got to me some of my heroes, people I look up to and aspire to be like for example, Brannon Braga (Star Trek: First Contact, Mission Impossible II, Salem…), Brad Krevoy (Dumb and Dumber, Taking Chance…) Kira Snyder (Incursion, Alphas, The 100…) Jay Kogen ( Simpsons, Everybody Love Raymond, Malcom in the Middle, Fraiser, School of Rock…). The event was helpful, inspiring, and spiritualy uplifting.  Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am one of the most neurotic and self-deprecating individuals out there and normally the only time that I am content is when I’m creating and telling stories all this weekend was a very elevated form of just that.

It was sandwiched between two depressing, disheartening bookends, however I left LA with my head held high. Friday I had a meeting with a huge A-list production company and the two executives told me I had an incredibly marketable and commercial idea and screenplay, they were in pressed with my writing and auteur style, they offered me a lot of money to option with the condition that they hired a more well known writer to re write it so they could attach an a list director. “We would never in trust a 230 million dollar production budget to what Hollywood would consider to be a first time director.” Reluctantly, because I needed the money I told them if it was a different project I wasn’t so close to or wasn’t so close to my heart I would. Any one who has known me for the past year knows I’ve met the “it’s too expensive” pitch reply multiple times this year but I had my hopes up for this one. Then on Monday I met with another large production company who told me they had a different project in mind for their “tent pole “and didn’t want to green light any of my less expensive projects as they weren’t with in their “brand”. 
  But all in all it was a wonderfully insightful and inspiring weekend. Keeping the good times at the forefront of my mind I walked away with a new drive to make it in this industry. Hearing the struggle stories from my heroes really paralleled with me. I have a unique voice and I know I was out here to tell stories and make others happy. Now I just need to make the big move.

Also if you are ever in LA  go to the Honey Pig st 3400 W 8th St, Los Angeles, CA 90005 order the Kimchi and rice. Your taste buds will will you to thank me!

As always thank you for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Thank you for reading-

Noah

  
   

   
    
    
 

Also LA is incredibly expensive like ridiculously expensive the picture below was a mail I paid almost $20 for.