Faux Pa

Faux Pa

I have talked about my disappointment in my self that I do not have a family (wife and kids) several times.

For some reason today it really hit hard. I mean there is always a itching of depression that exists in me, but on some days, when it is full blown…. Wow. It is so severe that it deadens you. Makes you feel immobile and non ambulatory in the most vicious of ways. Like you’re drowning in air, burning in water, and/or smushed by gravity.

What am I to do? Be thankful that I am one of the most fortunate individuals that has ever lived? That I have a wonderfully amazing and loving family and multiple good friends?

There is shame in depression that don’t easily explained. At least not for me. How could I be sad? How could some one that is as outrageously loved and lucky as I…. be sad? Why? How? …

I don’t know!

If I did know, I probably wouldn’t be so broken or sensitive.

Has sad stuff happened to me?

Yes.

Has sad stuff happened to EVERYONE?

Yes.

Why can I/you get over it? Man up? Soldier on? Cowboy up?…..

None of it changes everything or anything. At the end of the day I still have to deal with the fact that I am fat, ugly, and with out a wife and kids. Today it has done nothing but tear me up. Or down, depending how you interpret that expression.

I am what I am. And what I am is a dad bod filled with dad jokes possessing no offspring. Which is pretty important for the whole “Dad” thing.

I guess you can call me a faux pa.

So sorry I will see my self out.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were. So yeah.

The thing is…

The thing is I have slow hands and a fast heart.

However, I truly do my best to try to play my stupid part.

Problem is, the play I’ve been cast in is a horrible work of art.

Worse than that is this role I’ve been cast in ain’t nothing but ah la carte.

I was born an emotional storm that was built to perform.

In regards to what’s normal I’ve always trouble trying to conform.

Yet here I’ve been cast as nothing but bloody scenery.

What I want to do is explain to every one what little they have seen of me.

The thing is my rough edges refuse to conform.

And the result is I’m left the way wrong shade of bloody greenery.

The thing is I was born with a fast heart.

Slow to judge and fast to fondness.

What I want is perfect politeness, a truly lost art.

It’s one of the deepest cuts, heavily ingrained in my subconscious.

The thing is I don’t want to be fake or run my life like a scam.

My heart beats different in order to design a more artful electrocardiogram.

The thing is I have slow hands.

In all things social I’m not very skilful.

In fact, the moments most find awkward I find very blissful.

The thing is I love Italian food and sweet Chilean wine and to be honest that’s probably why my sugars are giving me problems all the time.

Ketamine and Loneliness

So I’m starting another medical experiment trial this time it is using a genetically modified form of ketamine. Apparently this new pharmaceutical company has removed the things in it that result in the paralytic effects and this is the second double blind trial on the new drug. It’s not a lot of pay for this trial however my therapist and my primary care are interested to see if it works for me. The only downside is I have to drop and cleanse myself of the Abilify I’m allowed to stay on the Wellbutrin but I have to cut my dose down to about a quarter of what is now.

After my first appointment the evaluator from the pharmaceutical company told the lead investigator with the main company that she didn’t want to use me as a subject because of the diabetes and the Atelophobia along with the synesthesia. I was asked to leave the room and the lead investigator, whom I love, apparently talked her into it.

So there’s that.

What else is going on… I think that loneliness is addicting and it’s weird because of how much I loath it. Like I know that I have an addictive personality, I’m not an addict, but I do have addictive tendencies. I know that because of the synesthesia different sensations parallel and connect with other sensations. So even though being so sad and depressed that you become immobile is not something I actively crave in my conscious mind, I have this weird tendency to associate it with a serotonin spikes or some other addictive quality. So kind of like an addict returning to her or his vice even though it causes them pain you still want it even though you hate it.

I hate it.

You know how sometimes a good cry can make you feel good afterwards or how disappointed you are when you can’t sneeze it’s kind of like that amplified a hundred times.

Sometimes I think we would be more successful as a species if we were void of emotion. Maybe not more successful but more geared towards survival. Maybe not.

I’m severely afraid of being a disappointment so much so that the major depressive disorder is intensified to a crippling state. Synesthesia ping-pongs me around from emotion to feeling to synapses of every kind. And the emotional ride give me anxiety so intense my heart tries to escape through my chest via a jack-Hammer style of pounding. All of it makes me so sad it hurts.

And that’s the thing or the difference between feeling sad… Or being sad and being depressed or having major depressive disorder it hurts the depression hurts and it’s not something you can explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The pain is vague and cant be explained by injury or anatomical physical history. But it is so severe… I can’t articulate it.

Also I am afraid that I am lashing out at people who are reaching out to HELP. Because I don’t want them involved I don’t want them to feel the way I feel. I don’t want them to know that I feel this way because it would be disappointing to them, I think. I don’t want anybody to feel pity on me. I don’t want someone to be sad R because I’m sad. I don’t want people to know that I am tormented by my innards, terrorized by psyche, and titillated by my loneliness.

I’m broken and a failure.

I think my most epic failure or my biggest disappointment in myself is that I don’t have a family. You see a very young Noah and a not so you young Noah desperately wanted so bad to have a wife and a bunch of kids before the age of 25 I also wanted to adopt. Well that didn’t happen and I am glad I am no more of a burden for anyone else besides those whom are already plagued by my being in their life.

I am FUBAR.

No one deserves to have to deal with me.

No one.

But I have to continue to fight for contentment! I can not let myself be all consumed and crippled by depression, anxiety, synesthesia or atelophobia.

Happiness is not an option for me. But I can continue to fight and stay content I’ll do my best to make others happy.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com

As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

Have a great day!

Love,

Noah

Pessimistically Optimistic

Pessimistically Optimistic

Am I a pessimist?

I don’t know. Maybe.

I can be. At times. For sure. I do feel like a lot of my life is spent expecting for the next of my life to be sad, bad, or disappointing to my self and those I care about.

Which is not a bad thing. I feel like, having rather pessimistic tendencies keeps me in a state or status of either been correct or wonderfully surprised and excited.

It’s easy to feel optimistic or feel like you’re optimistic when things surprise and excite you, when you feel like you have not been a disappointment to yourself and those you care about.

Know what I mean, Vern?

I am very rarely disappointed by people in my life for two reasons.

One because the people that are close to me are amazing and two everyone I I never expect anything from anyone so I’m very rarely disappointed by people.

I feel like I use the phrase I feel like” too much.

Also, I feel like I’m more prepared for tough situations because I am pessimistic. Kinda like a pessimism/prudentism… ugh…. thing. Although! I feel like I’m sill not emotionally…. like I still don’t take disappointment well nor do I deal well emotionally with sad situations. However because of pessimism I do, do well with stress and bad situations. I’m weird.

I am a great person to talk to… well anytime time, but what I was going to say was I am a great person to talk to when you’re down. I think or I don’t know rather if that has to do with my pessimistic side of my personality.

It’s not easy for me to be happy. Actually we have talked before, in the past, about how it is an impossibility to just be happy, for me anyway. With my specific concoction of conditions I have to fight and really work at it to be happy. However I pride my self on being a rather strong fighter. Not all the time. But I have a tool set I developed with my therapist and slight pessimism is a part of that.

Also because the pessimistic side of me has been with me and recognizes the lowest of the low points in my life I FEEL LIKE I can now more severely appreciate the high points.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts, even as distracted and attention deficted as they are. I truly do appreciate it and I hope you got something out of it wether it be good or bad. If it is so bad you have a need to let me know feel free to send you angered words to TheDepartmemtOfComplaints@gmail.com
As always it is very important to me that this particular blog does not comes across as a editorial of any kind and for it to be more of a stream of consciousness and as such there is zero editing if mistakes are made they are left for your enjoyment, or torture as it were.

I am not a mental health professional. Please seek out professional help should you find your self in the need. 

Love,

Noah 

A Raging Fire

Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self. 

   I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing  others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life. 

   Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons. 

Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.

Much love,

Noah 

   

Look at my nephew!


Where the side walk ends.

    
Working on another screenplay!     
Saw this in a antique store!

 
Please!

  
I’m weird.

Covering the spread

Covering the spread

   If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime). 

   According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.

   Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.

   I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?

   I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if  you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important,  don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits. 

I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.

   And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws. 

   Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable  with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.

   I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date. 
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 
   

The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at

Dublin Street Pub

 1745 E University Ave

Las Cruces, New Mexico

 88001

United States

  
   
    

   

Shy Affection 

As always I am merely speaking from my experience and point of view and not of that of a professional by any means. But list are cool, right? Here’s is a list of signs that a shy guy or a guy with anxiety or depression might like you. 

First understand that shy does not always mean quiet and removed sometimes it just means they don’t like confrontation or making people feel uncomfortable so they choose not to express feelings or opinions of their own out of the that fear. 

1-

   Seemingly over appreciation and excitement from helping or being helped. If he or she appears to experience joy out of the opourtunity to help you (even if it’s just to borrow a pen), or say they express extreme apreciation for your help as if it means to the world to them, or you notice that they act or behave differently toward you in s manner that is slightly out of character for them(normally this is cognitive dissonance caused out of a war to remain introverted or not-awkward and an expression of affection) Sometimes closed off individuals will open up to people they like and are attracted to as a way of saying you are special to them because they trust you. If you notice this there is a chance that they care for you. 

2-

He shows interest in the things you like, do or talk about. A shy person wil hardly ever  steps outside their safe zone when it comes to participating in activities that may embarrass or put them on that spot. If he or she is willing to do these type of things with or around you,’you‘ may be the common variable. Granted some times interest align with others and it may be that you just like the same things. 

4-

If he or she’s communicates a great deal with you through devices of anonymity such as texting, social media (posting cute/funny videos on your wall…), the Internet… A shy, anxious, or self-concious person will often feel more safe and open to carry on dialogue with some one in an face less environment where if they are worried their last message might be to revealing they can quickly send a “JK” or “lol” to hide how they feel and avoid rejection.

5-

He or she gets teased by mutual friends when you are around. Some times mutual friends can pick up on signals you may be ignorant to. When this happens often they will tease and playfully taunt them. I can remember being at a college party that was at the house of a insanely beautiful girl I liked and still care for. Someone brought up the fact that I give really good massages and hand massages.”you should give her one.” Was repeated several times. One thing led to another and ended up sort of wrestling after which I became viciously aware of the appearance of the situation and became instantly self-conscious. I went out side to handle the pending self-deprecating anxiety attack. Like the wonderfully amazing person she is she came out side to comfort me. Something I will never forget. 

6- 

They treasure the similarities, inside jokes, and personal moments shared between the two of you. If they always get a smile and a better mood when the two of you share an inside joke or a memory from the past compared to the future memories… I’m an idiot. 

7-

If they seem interested but never “make a move” this may be out of a fear of rejection. Often time shy people will remain closed off and create shells of themselves they think others will accept and like. If you feel like someone likes you and you like them no matter the gender role be an adult and go talk to them about it. 

8-

This one might be just be me. But shy guys will steal glances when they think you and others aren’t looking. If he looks at you when you are not looking it doesn’t make them a stalker- ugh for sure. People look at things that they like or find pretty so if you catch some one doing this be polite and smile back.
As always I suck at math don’t judge me and  feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Thanks for reading!

Love,

Noah

  
“RawR” means I love you in animal.
 

Life in Love 

Life in Love 

Standing on a soap box.

We accept the love we think we deserve or so they say.  Not entirely sure of the validity of that expression nor anything I have ever said for that matter. But I am an immensely self deprecating person as it is, so not to take some quarrel with what I say… myself  is understandable and taking what others say with several grains of salt is just as comprehensible. I’ve said it many times before that I truly believe I was put here to make others happy and that I my self was not meant to be happy. Accepting both of these truths allows me to work harder to serve the happiness of others which in turn does give me some resemblance of satisfactory beatitude. I feel like we as Americans use the expression, “I feel like” way too much  and no one really cares. I also feel like  my love for others and need to care for others leaves me with an ample amount of opportunity to be hurt and disheartened. One thing that I do enjoy is love. As redundant as it sounds I truly love to love. I’m pretty dang good at it. Showing someone that I care by putting their needs before mine quite frankly is very natural to me. I barely ever put anything of mine very high on any priority list. Loving just comes easy to me and with that comes all it’s negative side effects. I’m ever so thankful and grateful for those God has put in my life who love me. My friends and my family are sincerely not replaceable. I don’t believe I would still be here if it weren’t for them, in fact I know it. Do you ever wonder what the percentage of what we’ve gotten right in life is compared to the contrary. Honestly I suck at math but in my experience the ratio would be rather lopsided or improper if you will. (Can ratios be improper or is that just fractions?) the Greeks broke love down into three levels; Eros meaning passion and desire, Fileo meaning an appreciation and fondness for others and finally Agape or the strongest and unconditional love the type of love that you would be willing to die for.  It is very obvious that love is immensely important and plays a unavoidable role in all cultures; we find love discussed in and through out history in songs and stories of all kinds and from all times. The times we are in I believe have convoluted what love is. (I am not a woman and realise that I can not and do not speak for all women) I feel like some how for the past few generations ladies have been conditioned in some way into a understanding on some level whether   subconscious or not to accept what I deem as bad behaviour and/or bad manners as a sign of affection and adoration. I realise you would never get into what the Greeks would refer to as agape love when you first start dating someone, and I realise that the days of courting are long gone. However all that being said I think that the phenomenon aggressively perpetuates the whole “nice guys finish last” ugh thingy.  Now (beat) that being said I have a problem with that as well because while there are genuinely “nice” guys out there a portions of them are only nice to women in the hopes, intention and desire that they will allow them to have sex with them. If that is your intention then you are not a nice guy. That being said  (are you starting to notice a pattern?) nice guys are put in a position where the manners and good behaviour comes off as odd, weird, or awkward and I have said all that to say this, ‘I don’t like it’.  (Anticlimactic I know.)  but that’s who I am a person of such internal confusion half the time I don’t know what my point is or why I am so passionate about why the salt should be to the left of the pepper, I have to sit with my back to a wall in every restaurant and why no doggie should be homeless. I’m odd. I’m sad a great deal and I’m okay with it. I have a plethora of internal conflict so much so that the conflicting feels or emotions if you will result in a unpredictable set of plot points. There is a ying and yang inside of men wouldn’t with on anyone with desires and wishes that can never be met or answered because of mental and social downfalls and shortcomings. I am an improbable solution, a slut who is scared to go in for a first kiss and a person who can feel alone in a immensely crowded room. I don’t know what will happen to and for me from one moment to the next. All I know is that I am immensely envious of those who can just “be” happy when I have to work incredulously hard at it just to be ugh not sad. But I don’t plan on giving up in that fight any time soon. The greatest three things in the world are to find a way to make money at what you love, to love and to be loved. I guess in short I wish you a life of love in love weather that means putting your self out there to allow for something to happen or working on yourself. Try every morning to tell yourself that today I am going to do something that future Noah or insert your name rather, will thank you for.

I hope this was was helpful if wasnt and you feel the need to tell me how badly I suck at life you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Wishing you all the love-

Noah