I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I like to be alone but I hate being lonely 

I am a being made of constantly opposing innerds. I am a introverted extrovert,I love the outdoors and air conditioning, I am a self loathing, narcissistic manic depressive who constantly has to talk him self up supportively and down off the ledge as it were. I am a open minded conservative republican with liberalistic tendencies. As a Mason and a Christian I believe whole heartedly in the separation of church and state. I believe in and support both equality and gun rights. I am the type of person who has to make sure everyone at the party is having a good time, while feeling alone. I’m the guy who wants an Agape style, Disney-esque love with romance and all that tenderness crap, who knows he will never have it. I’m the friend who would do anything and stick up for you but may never fully trust anyone. I am by no means anti-social, I believe I am accepting of all people but quite possibly selectively-social. Basically I’m a royally screwed up mess inside and out. That is something I have had to simultaneously come to terms with and deal with.  I’ve often wondered how insane it would be to make my own voodoo doll and give my self a back rub or just a pat on the back. I enjoy being alone but I also feed off of the positivity of others. One moment I can desire to be alone in a room with a book reading or working on a screen, teleplay, novel, short story or music and the next want to be the life of the party. I’m built of nothing but opposites.

One of the reasons I can’t be happy is this insurmountably internal dissonance. If me or what makes up me is so conflicting and constantly at war how could I ever settle into a relaxed state to allow for happiness to cultivate much less prosper. The breakthrough that I wasn’t meant to and can not just be happy, sadly was one of the greatest and most healthy realisations I’ve ever had in therapy. There comes a point where you have to except that which is fact and move on in a positive path. I some times wish or rather envy sociopaths. I wonder how the absence of empathy and emotions would effect me as person and as a storyteller.  I exist to make others feel things; happy, bad, sad, awkward… I think my job as a creator is to make others feel something and hopefully in doing so they look inside their own selves.  

My life and experiences in the military, law enforcement, entertainment and sales has left me with an unruly realisation of the depth of evil people are capable of. I still have an unruly need to help others. All of this results in rapid and unprovoked mood shifts, impulsivity and emotional instability. These are all things you can deal with and control with healthy emotional choices. Learn what tends to lead you into depressive and overly aggressive moods then when you are able to recognise these paths they are easier to avoid. Once you know your triggers, warning signs and red flags you can avoid them. Take the time to examine yourself every ke and again. When you do ask yourself how do I truly feel, unbiased and with out fear of self judgment … how do I feel? Where am I both in consideration of head space and emotionally. 

Also if you are ever in Las Cruces, New Mexico go to A Bite of Belgium at 741 N Alameda Blvd, Unit 16, 88005-2194, United States. Order the omelette and waffles. Your mouthgasm will thank me.

 As always thank you so much for reading. Remember this blog is quite literally nothing more than a stream of consciousness and I do not edit for grammar, spelling, or anything. Again thank for reading I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Mit Liebe,

Noah 

   

  
    
    
 

Focus on the good stuff

There is plenty of the bad in our lives. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness, our own good. Sometimes good times are sent our way. Last weekend I had some the best times sent my way. I was invited to the Writers Guild of America West’s Writers Guild Foundation Veterans Workshop. Where I got to me some of my heroes, people I look up to and aspire to be like for example, Brannon Braga (Star Trek: First Contact, Mission Impossible II, Salem…), Brad Krevoy (Dumb and Dumber, Taking Chance…) Kira Snyder (Incursion, Alphas, The 100…) Jay Kogen ( Simpsons, Everybody Love Raymond, Malcom in the Middle, Fraiser, School of Rock…). The event was helpful, inspiring, and spiritualy uplifting.  Everyone who truly knows me knows that I am one of the most neurotic and self-deprecating individuals out there and normally the only time that I am content is when I’m creating and telling stories all this weekend was a very elevated form of just that.

It was sandwiched between two depressing, disheartening bookends, however I left LA with my head held high. Friday I had a meeting with a huge A-list production company and the two executives told me I had an incredibly marketable and commercial idea and screenplay, they were in pressed with my writing and auteur style, they offered me a lot of money to option with the condition that they hired a more well known writer to re write it so they could attach an a list director. “We would never in trust a 230 million dollar production budget to what Hollywood would consider to be a first time director.” Reluctantly, because I needed the money I told them if it was a different project I wasn’t so close to or wasn’t so close to my heart I would. Any one who has known me for the past year knows I’ve met the “it’s too expensive” pitch reply multiple times this year but I had my hopes up for this one. Then on Monday I met with another large production company who told me they had a different project in mind for their “tent pole “and didn’t want to green light any of my less expensive projects as they weren’t with in their “brand”. 
  But all in all it was a wonderfully insightful and inspiring weekend. Keeping the good times at the forefront of my mind I walked away with a new drive to make it in this industry. Hearing the struggle stories from my heroes really paralleled with me. I have a unique voice and I know I was out here to tell stories and make others happy. Now I just need to make the big move.

Also if you are ever in LA  go to the Honey Pig st 3400 W 8th St, Los Angeles, CA 90005 order the Kimchi and rice. Your taste buds will will you to thank me!

As always thank you for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Thank you for reading-

Noah

  
   

   
    
    
 

Also LA is incredibly expensive like ridiculously expensive the picture below was a mail I paid almost $20 for.

  

Worst places to have an anxiety attack!

1 Pretty much any where public! But most dangerously while driving a stick in traffic. You can read that Awkward Life Plot Point Here!

2 Planes, Trains and Automobiles! Obviously the later I’ve already mentioned how ever I couldn’t resist turning this one into one of my favourite John Hughes movies. Airplanes are rough because the first place you want to run to is the bathroom, which is tiny. So small that you hit the back wall and some of them have that little lip, which is not conducive to a panicking passenger traversing what seems to be the skybus of death. Also I have a tendency to laugh profusely at my self after each one and neither flight crews nor passengers take kindly to watching some one flip out then psychotically  laugh uncontrollably. (Yet FAA continues to let me fly.) Then on trains normally you are in a compartment with four other people and depending on the situation more often than not they don’t speak the same language.

3 In a pitch meeting! When you are trying to sell yourself, an idea or concept for a story and the fact that you are the person they should put at the helm of the production it is never serendipitous to loose control of your emotions and bodily functions for a moment. I asked a creative exec if I could take an important phone call to hide one once and didn’t realise until I was out by her assistant that I left my phone in her office. Similarly for people who work in other fields I would assume the same would hold true in interviews, meetings and pretty much anytime while at work.

3 I’ve never had one on stage but I would imagine it would be a horrifying experience. For the most part being on stage I’m so removed from the trainwreck that is Noah that it literally relaxes me wether I am performing stand up or acting even improv I just think I lack the mental capacity to even consider an onset or a trigger for an attack.

4 In the Emergency Room. Speaking as someone who has worked in a hospital for the most part your first impression would be that, that individual is drunk, having withdrawals or a bad trip. Sure you would eventually get the help you needed.

5 In any position during a court of law. Wether you are judge, jury, counsel, on the stand or just someone in the crowd the court is never a good place to have an attack. I was being asked questions from the prosecutor during jury selection and got nervous once the. I started to think how awful it would be to have an attack right now.

6 Scuba diving or in a space suit.

7 At a party or social gathering of any kind. I normally don’t do good at parties any way or from a different perspective do great at them. I have an overwhelming need to make sure everyone is happy and having a good time even if I’m just a guest.( I think it’s one of the reasons I love stand up so much, beside the fact everyone is looking at and listening to me the ball is in my court or field (I don’t know sports) when it comes to the life of the party) At a party I feel like I have to give everyone the same amount of attention and amusement which can turn into a nerve wrecking juggling act real quick. Normally I have close friends that know me and can console me should an attack happen but then again afterwards I would just feel like I let them down, ruining their night and drastically decrscendoing their fun levels. All of which would turn into whirling hurricane-like  vortex of emotions.

I suck at math don’t judge me!

As always feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

Thanks for reading!
Love,

Noah

“Yay sports ball team!”

Shy Affection 

As always I am merely speaking from my experience and point of view and not of that of a professional by any means. But list are cool, right? Here’s is a list of signs that a shy guy or a guy with anxiety or depression might like you. 

First understand that shy does not always mean quiet and removed sometimes it just means they don’t like confrontation or making people feel uncomfortable so they choose not to express feelings or opinions of their own out of the that fear. 

1-

   Seemingly over appreciation and excitement from helping or being helped. If he or she appears to experience joy out of the opourtunity to help you (even if it’s just to borrow a pen), or say they express extreme apreciation for your help as if it means to the world to them, or you notice that they act or behave differently toward you in s manner that is slightly out of character for them(normally this is cognitive dissonance caused out of a war to remain introverted or not-awkward and an expression of affection) Sometimes closed off individuals will open up to people they like and are attracted to as a way of saying you are special to them because they trust you. If you notice this there is a chance that they care for you. 

2-

He shows interest in the things you like, do or talk about. A shy person wil hardly ever  steps outside their safe zone when it comes to participating in activities that may embarrass or put them on that spot. If he or she is willing to do these type of things with or around you,’you‘ may be the common variable. Granted some times interest align with others and it may be that you just like the same things. 

4-

If he or she’s communicates a great deal with you through devices of anonymity such as texting, social media (posting cute/funny videos on your wall…), the Internet… A shy, anxious, or self-concious person will often feel more safe and open to carry on dialogue with some one in an face less environment where if they are worried their last message might be to revealing they can quickly send a “JK” or “lol” to hide how they feel and avoid rejection.

5-

He or she gets teased by mutual friends when you are around. Some times mutual friends can pick up on signals you may be ignorant to. When this happens often they will tease and playfully taunt them. I can remember being at a college party that was at the house of a insanely beautiful girl I liked and still care for. Someone brought up the fact that I give really good massages and hand massages.”you should give her one.” Was repeated several times. One thing led to another and ended up sort of wrestling after which I became viciously aware of the appearance of the situation and became instantly self-conscious. I went out side to handle the pending self-deprecating anxiety attack. Like the wonderfully amazing person she is she came out side to comfort me. Something I will never forget. 

6- 

They treasure the similarities, inside jokes, and personal moments shared between the two of you. If they always get a smile and a better mood when the two of you share an inside joke or a memory from the past compared to the future memories… I’m an idiot. 

7-

If they seem interested but never “make a move” this may be out of a fear of rejection. Often time shy people will remain closed off and create shells of themselves they think others will accept and like. If you feel like someone likes you and you like them no matter the gender role be an adult and go talk to them about it. 

8-

This one might be just be me. But shy guys will steal glances when they think you and others aren’t looking. If he looks at you when you are not looking it doesn’t make them a stalker- ugh for sure. People look at things that they like or find pretty so if you catch some one doing this be polite and smile back.
As always I suck at math don’t judge me and  feel free to send hate mail or your appreciation I really like reading from people who get something good out of my work. The email is TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Thanks for reading!

Love,

Noah

  
“RawR” means I love you in animal.
 

Disappointment 

I don’t do well with heartbreak and letting other people down. To me there is no worse or lower of a feeling. Atelophobia makes it that much worse for me. I have a constantly feeling that I’m a disappointing failure and a let down to for everyone who cares about me. I get disappointed in my self on a daily basis. I am easily excitable and get my hopes up for the improbable more often than not.  

   But how do you handle it?

1- Adulting is for the birds and children…

Let your irrational side have its go at expressing. It is going to happen and it is best to let it happen at a time where you are in control of the environment. If you are going to cry and wail, throw a temper tantrum, paint by tossing paint on a canvass, exercise, what ever it is you need to do, you need to do it. Children get over situational disappointment and upset by throwing temper tantrums and then they get over it. You need to let your inner child throw a tantrum so it can get over it and then so can you. 

2- Pattern your self in getting over it.

This is fundamental (in my experience) to getting over disappointment. Humans are very habitual and as such we self condition our selves into what becomes our personalities, our idiosyncrasies and most importantly our superfluities. What you need to do (and again this is a lifestyle alteration which means it’s going to take a while) is pattern yourself into accepting disappointment for what it is… a disapointment not an emotionally, overwhelming   ineluctable  stopping point. When we condition ourselves to not deal with disapointment or deal with it in a unhealthy manner we set our selves up for failure and continued disapointment creating s vicious cycle  of bad feels. Disapointment is a part of life and not instant death and as such it should be used as a learning and growing experience. Manage your emotions and don’t take it personally.

3- Self realization 

The ability to self-reflect is (in my opinion) a great sign good mental health. Take some time to explore what is happening to you and how you expect to react. After learning enough about your self and your reactions to stimuli you learn to manage how you react to everything including disapointment and that is an amazing breakthrough. Talking to a therapist or an individual  who really listens having your best interest and happiness at heart is wildly helpful. Sometimes just hearing you tell someone how you feel about it things is all you need to lock into self awareness. Know that grief comes in waves. The more cognizant you are of you and your situation the better you will handle it.

 

I hope this was was helpful if not and you feel the need to tell me how much of a disapointment I am you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
Love,

Noah

Anxiety attacks through Anxiety attacks.

Today I had an anxiety attack brought on by a an acute wave of severe depression. I went from waking up with this sincere impression that I and my life were both failures to coming very close to killing my self (unintentionally). Which to be honest is more of a norm in my life than any other way of waking up, however it was just an elevated or more effective eagre of depression. I told my self that I wouldn’t let it win and went along with my day as usual I went to my favourite place to write and also serves amazing breakfast tacos. Literally every thought I had be van to pattern its self and end with, “why? what does it even matter? No one who matters will ever care! Wouldn’t be easier to not try and amount to anything than to fail at surmounting to be anything…” I just couldn’t shake it. So I got nothing done and had to repeatedly tell the server that I was okay even though I had tear stained cheeks and could barely talk. I paid for the uneaten meal including a $5 tip and left. I was walking in a haze each step felt like it was springy as if I were in moon boots or gravity shoes. Then on my way home it really set in. Like there was a very heavy demon siting on my chest preventing me from breathing and viciously torturing me emotionally. It doesn’t help that I was driving a six speed in traffic. If there was ever a list of the top ten worst places (mental note to write one) working a clutch in 6 lanes of traffic would be on it. I put my hazards on and began to work my way insanely slowly over to the side of the highway.  By this point I had lost all my senses except sight which was still clouded and narrowing. Once I was there I opened my door and fell out gasping for breath and praying for it to end. My legs started to feel weird. They started to feel weird because I didn’t pull the parking break and my flailing foot must have knock the stick shift out of gear so my car was beginning to roll away. I rolled my head over to look back to see my hand millimetres away from my back tire (which in my head resembled the huge rolling Boulder from Indiana Jones) I can literally remember the stream of consciousness that said, “boy I sure hope I can move my hand out of the way in time”. I yanked my hand out of the way sat up at my waist lunged forward and grabbed the steering wheel and yanked as hard as I could to pull my fat ass back into the cab and succeeded only in slamming my forehead into the frame of the open door. I fell back and smacked my head on the pavement for the second time and tried my best to will my car to stop. Which as most ventures in my life failed miserably. By now my car had rolled a good yard away from me so that my feet were by the rear tire . I put my foot on the tire with the hopes of stoping it like a brake but succeeded in only pushing it away. I put my foot up behind my bumper and got it to merely slow down a bit. I sat up and finely stood but leaned on the trunk which pushed it forward again. I then ran around to the driver side to dive in and in mid air my car gently bumped into a telephone pole which altered my planed trajectory so I basically just lept into the console of my car slamming my head into the passenger car door and for now… no reason. I pulled the parking break out of sheer aggravation and opened my passenger door then tucked and rolled out that side of my car onto that part of the road that is pavement partially covered by grass and cried without the ability to hear how loud I was. I finally  rolled my self up then turned around and sat with my back to the back door of the passenger side of my car and pulled my knees up to my chest. Something moved out of right side of my peripheral vision which caused me to flinch and almost give my self whiplash only to focus my vision on a small Hispanic lady who pulled over to help and holding the hands of her twin daughters. ( I think they were twins but for all I know none of them might not have existed at all. ) she was waving to get my attention and I assume asking if I needed help. I tried to yell out that I was fine. I don’t know what noise came out but she pulled her girls closer to her. My iPhone fell out of my shirt pocket (I have no idea how it stayed in there) but when I picked it up it vibrated telling me I got an email. When swiped it open it was from a production company informing me that they were passing on a screenplay. I then took what I think was my first breath in ten minutes which felt like a kick to the chest but then of course my chest began to untighten, I began to hear the traffic as well as the Spanish from the nice young lady and feel the heat from the pavement beneath me. Then I began to laugh hysterically at the thought of how comically horrible the situation was and how I couldn’t wait to tell it on stage. So this nice young Hispanic lady who stopped on the side of the street to help me and saw the whole ordeal watches me go through all of that and then watches me to proceed to laugh uncontrollably to the point of cackling. Her eyes widened she grabbed her daughters and left this obviously escaped criminally insane mental patient. My iPhone vibrated once more and I looked down at my phone to see another new email from the Writers Guild Foundation saying that I had been accepted into program based upon my potential as a writer. I bowed my head and thanked God for the whole of it and went about my day. Of course I called my mom and family first.

This is currently my favourite awkward plot point in my life story. I don’t want to take this time to tell you to find the silver lining or the lesson that you can learn from every situation bad or good. Because you know that we are taught that at a young age. What I do want to tell you is how important it is to have a game plan. I normally handle anxiety attacks very well obviously this time I didn’t. If you are prescribed medicine stick with it, stay in that regiment and discuss your findings and feelings with your therapist regularly. If for any reason you have to stop taking your mess be prepared to alter your daily life as such if that means slowing your self down to process things then do so. If you need to take beat and allow yourself to acclimate to a situation so you can traverse through it in a more emotionally healthy manner then do so. I normally have a game plan set up for moment of severe depression or anxiety. 

1. Know your warning signs Physically; what do you do how do you feel? Mentally; what do you think what sensations normal do you experience? And Kat but not least Behaviour;   How do you behave, react or what do you do or start to do when an attack comes on.

2. So once I recognise what is happening I go into a turbo mode and quickly get my self to a safe place both literally and metaphorically. I pray for help and guidance as well as safety both emotionally and physically. Then I wait.

3. Then attack and defend. Guard your self with reassuring good and happy thoughts. The best offence  is a good defence attack any thing depressing or downing with rejection and telling your self that you got s lot of things going for you and more than half of them you can’t even see that you are ignorant of. Never allow any thought of “what if” enter your consciousness both bad and good “what if”s are no win scenarios so if you just shut them down instantly you can save your self a great deal of heartache. Remember a thought is just a thought a uncontrollable ‘blah’ it is not a message from God or an alien or any other force. As soon as you start to give a thought, bad or good some elevated position of hierarchy it will have that much more contorll over you and your emotions.

4. Recover. Come down easy. It’s important to breath and know that you are breathing! The awareness or impression rather that you can not breath will only increase your anxiety and crescendo the severity. So breath tell your self it is going to be alright. 

Also as always I’m not a doctor or mental health professional. These are just my findings as a flawed member off humanity.

If you are ever in San Antonio Texas go to Gilberts Mexican Restraunt for both breakfast and lunch. If for breakfast get two tacos (one with Bacon, egg and cheese and one with Country sausage, egg and cheese) if for lunch get the Havi Special with no lettuce …because lettuce is of the devil and you don’t want that in your life… Tell them El Rambo sent you! The Restraunt is in the back of the Strip mall and it’s the best!

8161 Latigo Dr, San Antonio, TX 78227

My intention is that you are able to take away some positivity and help for yourself. However if you feel as though life would be better with out me you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

I hope you laughed and maybe learned something. 

Love,

Noah

  


5 Steps to getting back up

First of all we all fall in different ways, at different speeds and with different intensities. You might get your feelings hurt when someone forgets something about you, perhaps you hold a certain item or trait at a much higher esteem than another and their flippancy hurts you,  or something that you just knew in your heart of hearts (compared to your heart of lungs?) was a sure thing but didn’t pan out now your life is over… Someone once said “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I tend to agree with the first half of that. We all suffer but some of us to different degrees than others. No matter what the circumstance some times wounds and scars that aren’t visible hurt the absolute worst and cause the most damage. I may be wrong (it’s happened in the past) but I don’t think you can adjust your sensitivity. If you are a person who takes everything to heart then that is a burden you have to learn to deal with if you are a person that can let any old thing roll off of your shoulder then I don’t like you or well I am incredibly envious of you. Also I am not a medical professional by no means and these findings are solely based off of my experiences as a human.

1- Deal with and manage the pain

   This is something that I myself am not good at. I suffer from severe manic depression, anxiety attacks, attention deficit disorder, atelophobia, PTSD, short-term memory loss and synesthesia. But that’s all. I’m a mess and admittedly I can be more than difficult to deal with sometimes because of that. One of the most useful tactics I’ve ever been taught in therapy was having a protocol set up for pain management.

      1 Establish why you are hurting. It is much easier to attack a target and defend against a foe when you know what it is. Once you can clearly identify what is causing you pain (i.e. Britney lied/cheated on/ or was mean/rude to me, I go out of my way for john and he couldn’t help me today, My mom is disappointed in me, Anna ignored me, Lyle does not feel the same way about me as I do for him…) make it as specific as possible. Once you can define your pain and it’s stimulus or stimuli as the case may be you can separate it from your self . Don’t let the pain become your identity. Express the pain but don’t let it become your story. 

      2 Determine a course of action both mentally and physically of what you are going to do to correct this and prevent it from happening again and then do it. Do your best to use this as a learning experience so you can determine what you yourself did that aided in you getting hurt and try to figure out how to ugh not do that again. Self awareness is so important and figuring out your course of action quickly based off of that awareness helps you not  dwell on the cause and to quickly move on to the solution. Goals are so important. Make the decision that this hurts…  I do not want to hurt… I want to do this. Then focus your energy on that thing and not on what’s causing you to hurt. Keep yourself in the present with what caused the pain behind you. Move forward, move on or if nothing else just move away from what it is that causing you to hurt and if you can’t move away geographically, then decide on an action that will fix your environment or the situation.  If you can not figure out how to immediately make your self happy do something that will make some one you care about happy even if it’s something small.  

      3 Again just act don’t dwell on the bad stuff. Once the decision is made get a move on.

3-Forgive the person who hurt you and yourself.

   Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting the hurt go not a sign of weaknes or inferiority. Forgiving someone is saying good bye to the clutch inside of you and saying hello to the opportunity for joy and happiness to fill the void.  Telling your self it is okay and forgiving yourself will bring you to even higher level of self awareness. If you are like me you are scared to forgive some people because in truth the grudge and/or pain you have because of them is the only link and somehow psychologically we fear the absence of that connection between them. Most important thing to do in forgiving is to loose the role as the blameless victim, take up the responsibility of the rest of your life and move on.

4- Focus on your blessings and lessons

In most of these situations you come out with a new life lesson and a slightly different outlook on life. Maybe you learned who isn’t truly a friend, or that you can not handle certain situations alone, maybe you learned to never mix sleeping pills and laxatives. What ever the case may be use the experience to better yourself, your life and the lives of those around you. Ask yourself what am I grateful for now that I have gone through that. What am I more grateful for now that I have gone through that. What skills and tools do I have now that I went through that and how can I use them.

5-Do your up most to be as happy as possible at all times.

I don’t know if being hurt is a state-of-mind necessarily but it definitely impacts your state-of-mind. As such you should try your hardest to smile as much as you can and help others to do the same.

I suck at math don’t judge me.


I hope that you got something out of this and if not and you feel the need to inform me how horrible of a human I am you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

Be happy-

Noah

Organized writing

I am not a organized writer sometimes I will get an idea for a scene, character, plot point, an idiosyncrasy, a setting, relationship… And just write down my thoughts. As such often times my notes and research are spread across many different pieces of paper, napkins, paper table cloths, notes on my iPhone, electronic documents, voice memos… I do alot of writing between 6 and 9 AM in coffee shops, breakfast restaurants, meth labs, dinners… On occasions I will have notes spread all over the table and like today I went to the latrine and when I came back the waitress asked if I wanted more coffee and possibly kill her! I was very taken a back and she then pointed to a list of my characters some of which had red strikes through their names after I’d killed them off in my writing. Thank God she hadn’t called the cops or anything. She said something to the effect of, “I didn’t think so you don’t act like a serial killer”. Which any one who knows me knows that I can not leave and situation with out it being a thousand times more awkward than when I got there. As such I replied, “which is what makes me such a fastidious one…” (INSERT BIG CREEPY SMILE) She chuckled uncomfortably and I didn’t get anymore coffee. 
With anecdotal love,

-Noah 

   
   

a little motivation 

 “Silent the reason and trust in your groove

Listen to your heart and its call

Make your self laugh make yourself move

You never needed a fancy dance hall

Have the gumption to take the risk

And if you fail enjoy the fall

Because in the end if it’s worth it

It will have been worth it all”

Love,

Noah A Waters III

Two hours after posting this new piece on tumblr.

 

Life in Love 

Life in Love 

Standing on a soap box.

We accept the love we think we deserve or so they say.  Not entirely sure of the validity of that expression nor anything I have ever said for that matter. But I am an immensely self deprecating person as it is, so not to take some quarrel with what I say… myself  is understandable and taking what others say with several grains of salt is just as comprehensible. I’ve said it many times before that I truly believe I was put here to make others happy and that I my self was not meant to be happy. Accepting both of these truths allows me to work harder to serve the happiness of others which in turn does give me some resemblance of satisfactory beatitude. I feel like we as Americans use the expression, “I feel like” way too much  and no one really cares. I also feel like  my love for others and need to care for others leaves me with an ample amount of opportunity to be hurt and disheartened. One thing that I do enjoy is love. As redundant as it sounds I truly love to love. I’m pretty dang good at it. Showing someone that I care by putting their needs before mine quite frankly is very natural to me. I barely ever put anything of mine very high on any priority list. Loving just comes easy to me and with that comes all it’s negative side effects. I’m ever so thankful and grateful for those God has put in my life who love me. My friends and my family are sincerely not replaceable. I don’t believe I would still be here if it weren’t for them, in fact I know it. Do you ever wonder what the percentage of what we’ve gotten right in life is compared to the contrary. Honestly I suck at math but in my experience the ratio would be rather lopsided or improper if you will. (Can ratios be improper or is that just fractions?) the Greeks broke love down into three levels; Eros meaning passion and desire, Fileo meaning an appreciation and fondness for others and finally Agape or the strongest and unconditional love the type of love that you would be willing to die for.  It is very obvious that love is immensely important and plays a unavoidable role in all cultures; we find love discussed in and through out history in songs and stories of all kinds and from all times. The times we are in I believe have convoluted what love is. (I am not a woman and realise that I can not and do not speak for all women) I feel like some how for the past few generations ladies have been conditioned in some way into a understanding on some level whether   subconscious or not to accept what I deem as bad behaviour and/or bad manners as a sign of affection and adoration. I realise you would never get into what the Greeks would refer to as agape love when you first start dating someone, and I realise that the days of courting are long gone. However all that being said I think that the phenomenon aggressively perpetuates the whole “nice guys finish last” ugh thingy.  Now (beat) that being said I have a problem with that as well because while there are genuinely “nice” guys out there a portions of them are only nice to women in the hopes, intention and desire that they will allow them to have sex with them. If that is your intention then you are not a nice guy. That being said  (are you starting to notice a pattern?) nice guys are put in a position where the manners and good behaviour comes off as odd, weird, or awkward and I have said all that to say this, ‘I don’t like it’.  (Anticlimactic I know.)  but that’s who I am a person of such internal confusion half the time I don’t know what my point is or why I am so passionate about why the salt should be to the left of the pepper, I have to sit with my back to a wall in every restaurant and why no doggie should be homeless. I’m odd. I’m sad a great deal and I’m okay with it. I have a plethora of internal conflict so much so that the conflicting feels or emotions if you will result in a unpredictable set of plot points. There is a ying and yang inside of men wouldn’t with on anyone with desires and wishes that can never be met or answered because of mental and social downfalls and shortcomings. I am an improbable solution, a slut who is scared to go in for a first kiss and a person who can feel alone in a immensely crowded room. I don’t know what will happen to and for me from one moment to the next. All I know is that I am immensely envious of those who can just “be” happy when I have to work incredulously hard at it just to be ugh not sad. But I don’t plan on giving up in that fight any time soon. The greatest three things in the world are to find a way to make money at what you love, to love and to be loved. I guess in short I wish you a life of love in love weather that means putting your self out there to allow for something to happen or working on yourself. Try every morning to tell yourself that today I am going to do something that future Noah or insert your name rather, will thank you for.

I hope this was was helpful if wasnt and you feel the need to tell me how badly I suck at life you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

Wishing you all the love-

Noah