Category: Emotional wreck

Suffering 

I’ve been suffering a lot lately, at my own expense and cause. A series of most disheartening events came my way and I was not the man I should have been. I did not defend my self like I know I can and should. I let depression and overwhelming anxiety take over me. I failed. I failed hard. I over ate. I let the darkness fully invelop and cloud everything about me to the point where I merely sat and wallard in despair and desolation. It wasn’t until I got some good news from a production company that I was able to recognize my failure to heed the warning signs. 

   But now I’m back! Or well on the incline anyway. I know I can’t be happy, but my level of contentment is beginning to even out at a level that I can live with and get back to making others happy. 

   I want to thank and apologies to those who wrote to me concerned about my posts. Some times the hardest advice to swallow is that of our own. I’m working on getting back to where I was and will hopefully have some better or less dark writing coming y’all’s way. Not that dark is a bad thing but the place I was, was too dark. That begin said I’m only taking down one post because I fear it may hender others with depression and lead them in a way they shouldn’t be lead. The others I will leave for y’all to read at your leisure. 

As always thanks so much for reading!

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

-Noah 

  

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself. 

I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now. 

I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.

 I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.   
 

Terrified 

” I’m terrified. I’m terrified and terrorized by a thought. It’s hard to explain how just a thought, a possibility or a maybe can be so simultaneously devastating and fearsomely troubling. I’m scared because I do not believe that any one can nor will ever make me feel the way you made me feel about life, myself and you.”   

~an excerpt from my novel, “Leh Car”.

We are victims of life

We are victims of life,

Nothing but a side-effect of death.

We cut wounds with our own knife,

Beating back strife with every breath.
***

Down here the walls are paper thin,

Never dampening the sound of isolation.

Instead we are beat into a state of chagrin,

Loudly breaching the barrier of devastation.
***

What is life? Said everyone to us all.

Is it nothing? Nothing but failed attempts at everything?

Metaphoricaly beating our heads against a great stone wall,

Milking and surviving from the hope to which we all cling.
***

Are we suppose to torture ourselves?

As the self loathing narcissist we are,  doomed to sadden.

Collecting nothing but bad memories on a shelf.

And the opposing forces causes us to madden.
***

With good intent we believe in striving for betterment,

But the result is null.

We work hard wanting a better sentiment,

Continuing our efforts and bludgeoning our emotional skull.
***

Dark are the days behind us,

Dark are the days ahead.

Nothing but happy thoughts should we discuss,

Less our happiness be but completely bled.