Birthdays

You’re supposed to be happy on your birthday, like today I’m supposed to be happy. I mean I will be friends and family over and I love that.
 I don’t know if it’s the depression or if it’s just me, but I feel like after 21 each birthday is nothing but a reminder and a realization of everything you have not accomplished yet in life and congrats on letting another year pass by without achieving crap.

Run on sentences…

But how does one except that. How am I suppose to be okay with time slipping by without any forward progress? 

Maybe it’s suppose to be a motivator to do more next year but I see it as a reminder of my failures and muslitufe of shortcomings.

Gah! What it life?

   As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made. 
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!
~Noah

I’m sitting here.

I’m sitting here at a booth in a sports bar, alone, on New Year’s Eve, wondering how I feel about my 2015. I reckon it wasn’t too grand considering I’m sitting here. Alas it wasn’t too bad considering I’m sitting here. Things could be worse, I could be dead or in major pain. Things could be better I could be on tour or getting the green light for one of my movies/series. But where does that leave me? Just blah?

Here I sit on the WRONG SIDE OF MY TWENTIES and part of me wants to breakdown and cry. Part of me wants laugh at my self. Most of me thinks I’m nuts. I’m just very self aware. I know that I can never be happy, but I know how to busy my self contentment. I know that I will probably die sad and alone, which I have come to terms with. I know that I will always be the friend or partner who tries the hardest and fails the most. I know that I am a good guy! I know I was given the worlds greatest family and equally wonderful friends. I know that I’m one of the best storytellers and that’s what I was put here to do. I know that it is not that bad. I know I’ve lived a pretty great life. I know that 2015 had its ups and downs.

I end 2015 with sentiment that I tried, I tried real hard. I didn’t accomplish much, but I learned a lot. I learned that my resilience and perseverance probably won’t ever waver. I learned that when I don’t pay attention I can let my emotions, disorders and mental deficiencies get the best of me. Course that I knew but I learned some new ways to navigate the tough times.

I’m not where I want to be. I’m not where I’m going to be.

I’m just sitting here.


As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com
Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful new year-
Love,

Noah

A Raging Fire

Big goals are important to have, but I believe small victories not only win wars but help us to succeed our most daunting of life trials and aspirations. Sometimes I set my self… Not necessarily unattainable goals, but goals that would take a great deal to achieve. Then when I fail, fall short, or do not achieve what I set out to do I become depressed and disappointed in my self. 

   I know I’ve talked about it many times before but besides manic depression I have been diagnosed with atelophobia, a condition where you suffer from extreme disappointment and an extreme fear of disappointing  others. Before I started therapy I used to believe that I was meant to be happy. That’s what I woke up with every day, the goal to be happy. It wasn’t until it was explained to me with my particular concoction of conditions happiness was not a possibility for me and that I would have to work ever so hard just to be content with life. 

   Please don’t be misguided, big goals are a good thing. But before we can ever achieve such big feats we need to set us up some small, building block style missions for us to build our self up with along the way and then when the time is right we are willing, ready, and able to take on our big goals, dreams, and/or missons. 

Think of your big goal, your big pie in the sky dream as a fire you are trying to start. If you through the big goal on there first let’s make it a huge log for our analogy or metaphor if you will. You are going to have a very hard time getting the log lit or on fire with just a match. However if you start with some small goals, some kindling, branches, sticks and such you can begins to lit the small fires which when compounded will produce the roaring fire to take on the ‘log’.
Thank you so much for reading. I know I just read a message from a reader that said he hated that I apologized and thanked my readers so much. So sorry for that. I never edit the blog post on this blog as I want it to me more of a stream of consciousness and not a editorial.Please feel free to email me your compliments and complaints to TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com.

Much love,

Noah 

   

Look at my nephew!


Where the side walk ends.

    
Working on another screenplay!     
Saw this in a antique store!

 
Please!

  
I’m weird.

Suffering 

I’ve been suffering a lot lately, at my own expense and cause. A series of most disheartening events came my way and I was not the man I should have been. I did not defend my self like I know I can and should. I let depression and overwhelming anxiety take over me. I failed. I failed hard. I over ate. I let the darkness fully invelop and cloud everything about me to the point where I merely sat and wallard in despair and desolation. It wasn’t until I got some good news from a production company that I was able to recognize my failure to heed the warning signs. 

   But now I’m back! Or well on the incline anyway. I know I can’t be happy, but my level of contentment is beginning to even out at a level that I can live with and get back to making others happy. 

   I want to thank and apologies to those who wrote to me concerned about my posts. Some times the hardest advice to swallow is that of our own. I’m working on getting back to where I was and will hopefully have some better or less dark writing coming y’all’s way. Not that dark is a bad thing but the place I was, was too dark. That begin said I’m only taking down one post because I fear it may hender others with depression and lead them in a way they shouldn’t be lead. The others I will leave for y’all to read at your leisure. 

As always thanks so much for reading!

I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 

-Noah 

  

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

The only thing I succeed at is failing.

I’ve had a huge run of less than optimaly favorable experiences in the past several hours. I’ve had two producers call and tell me they are passing on Closed On Sunday’s. Had a manger at Benderspink back out of representation because he signed a more promising filmmaker and wanted to focus his energy on her. (Which great for her I would never want some one to not succeed because of me.) But dog gone it I could really use some ups, some positives, some good or even just some semblance of happy or more than depressing moments right now. I keep missing my swings and/or falling short as it worth. I don’t think I will ever amount to anything. At least that is not how things are looking nor have my entire life. People coach that failure is just a learning experience. Well I’ve learned enough! All I have left to learn and accept is that I, as in my self am a failure or the failure rather ant all the instances. Right now I’ve just come to the realization that my life’s contentment consist of the time spent between failures and that is just the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, much less realized about myself. 

I’m doing my best to be as positive and continue to do my best. According to “P.S. I love you” I’m not supose to have any time to worry about failure! But that is not the case! I am a person and these are events but I’m at a point where I believe both are failures. I’ve always worked off and tried to help my self by telling my self that the events in my life are occurrences of failure and that I’m not the failure. But if I smell like failure, look like failure and I’m pretty sure a canibal would tell me I taste like it … I must be a duck right? If all signs point toward it and I can’t tell if it’s just another defeat or the last one shouldn’t it just be that? I suck. Maybe I deserve it for something I’m completely ignorant to. I do not fear mistakes, I’m actually quite familiar with them. However I do fear failing at life in life, I fear being known as a failure and dying as the failure I am right now. 

I know that I’m suppose to say that I can’t give up because that is a sure way to fail, that I should learn and grow from this experience. But the truth is right now, right here where my head and emotional space is I can not and do not see it. I can not see why a man my age should still be plugging along grasping at straws. Granted Im not saying I should have made it big by now. However I should have some form of traction towards success in at least one area of my life. I want a family of my own, a career I am proud of and contentment since happiness is not an option for me. Apparently all three are slowly becoming unachievable for me. Sometimes as exercise I ask people who are depressed to ask themselves why they are alive. I don’t know that I will ever do that again. Whereas it has heeled me pick my self up and move forward so many times in the past I fear what my answer would be shops I be asked right now. I don’t know if I can’t take it anymore or if I simply just don’t want to.

 I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk.   
 

Terrified 

” I’m terrified. I’m terrified and terrorized by a thought. It’s hard to explain how just a thought, a possibility or a maybe can be so simultaneously devastating and fearsomely troubling. I’m scared because I do not believe that any one can nor will ever make me feel the way you made me feel about life, myself and you.”   

~an excerpt from my novel, “Leh Car”.

We are victims of life

We are victims of life,

Nothing but a side-effect of death.

We cut wounds with our own knife,

Beating back strife with every breath.
***

Down here the walls are paper thin,

Never dampening the sound of isolation.

Instead we are beat into a state of chagrin,

Loudly breaching the barrier of devastation.
***

What is life? Said everyone to us all.

Is it nothing? Nothing but failed attempts at everything?

Metaphoricaly beating our heads against a great stone wall,

Milking and surviving from the hope to which we all cling.
***

Are we suppose to torture ourselves?

As the self loathing narcissist we are,  doomed to sadden.

Collecting nothing but bad memories on a shelf.

And the opposing forces causes us to madden.
***

With good intent we believe in striving for betterment,

But the result is null.

We work hard wanting a better sentiment,

Continuing our efforts and bludgeoning our emotional skull.
***

Dark are the days behind us,

Dark are the days ahead.

Nothing but happy thoughts should we discuss,

Less our happiness be but completely bled.

Nice guys finish last

Nice guys finish last

   I have a huge problem with this sentiment. In part because of the social definition or acceptance of what a “nice guy” is. Another part is the connotation that this expression applies to all so called “nice guy”s. Finally- because everything is better in threes– what it means to finish last. 

   I am a nice guy. I don’t know a lot (beat) but I know this to be true. Of the few constants, in this emotional wreck of a life of mine, being a nice guy is the most prevalent truth. It’s who I am at the core and all the way through to the crest. As much of a self loather as I am the one thing that I can not discount about my self is that I am a nice guy. 

   There are a lot of guys, in this world we call our own, who feign under the label of a nice guy, who are in fact not. I often hear the complaint that, “I don’t have a girlfriend or I can’t find love, girls don’t like me because I’m a nice guy.” Or some variation of that sentiment. I will agree that a number of truly nice guys suffer from exclusion of affection because of how odd and out of the norm a truly nice guy is in our society. Through some sort of happenings some women are put under the impression that being treated poorly is a sign of affection and caring from a guy. (I realize I am a man and have no postion to speak for all women by any means) you can read more about this dilemma here. But basically nice guys striving to be a gentleman can come off as creepy and out of the ordinary and thus purged of the opportunity to cultivate a relationship. 

   This is what bothers me the most about all of this. The poser nice guy, the guy who operates under the label of nice guy blaming his lack of affection, intimacy and love because he is a nice guy. (Again that does happen but not as often) if you claim to be a nice guy and suffer a passion void life because of this and let’s say you give a young lady a ride home from a party, buy her a meal, or do any other perceivably nice thing for some one because you want to have sex with them… 

You are not a nice guy!  

You are a horrible human being, you make me sick and you are one of the reasons some nice guys finish last”. If you then treat said person badly, spread this an altered version of the truth around, or make her feel bad for not returning to you the same feelings… you deserves a slow and painful death in front of your loved ones. Also you are not a nice guy.

I personally know of four female friends who have emparted memories to me that were 100% rape, by all accounts. All four have said, “well he was a nice guy….”. This is so sickeningly sad for many reasons. Not only is it bad that these guys are viewed as nice guys but the four women I am referring to still look back st these events as if they aren’t that bad and the predators can go on living life like defilement didn’t occur. 

You have the right to set boundaries!

You are allowed to express these boundaries!

You are allowed to defend these boundaries!

You are allowed to eliminate those who do not respect these boundaries from your life, and as far as I am concerned, the face of the earth!

So what is a nice guy?

   To give with out the thought of reward, treating others pleasantly no matter what and respecting others wishes are what makes a “nice guy” or person rather. I think you need to find joy in the thankfulness of others in order to be a nice guy. 

   As I said earlier not all nice guys finish last. What I mean by that is for the most part nice guys aren’t finished. A nice guy does not stop being nice. Some nice guys end up in loving happy places. Some nice guys end up self loathing, self deprecating awkward guys who will never achieve love and happiness. And the rest of nice guys live some where inbetween like every other sub group out there. 

   Finally what does it mean to finish last? Does that mean your the last one in and all the “goodens” are already taken? Does that mean you lost what ever the situation was because you were nice or fair? What ever you decide it means to finish last know that it can never be solely because you are a nice guy.

   If your worried about finishing last that means you haven’t finished! Keep going, work harder. Weather that means working on your self or working to find some one to finish with. Because in the end that’s all that matters. What we did while we ran and how we finished. As I’ve said before every morning you should wake up with the intention that, that day you are going to do something that your future self will thank you for and possibly your future partner. Don’t forget what Charlie Brown said, “In life it’s not where you go- it’s who goes with you”.

Then he stepped off of his soap box.

To be honest I have no idea what I am talking about and for all I know I could be an estranged old man walking around the sanitarium, naked, mutter what he thinks to be… advice and wise tales.

   As always I am not a mental health professional or a relationship specialist. These are simply my findings from life and my hope is that you can take something positive away from it or maybe a new point of view. If you hated it so much and you feel the need to let me know how awful it was or I am please feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com 

Keep in mind it is important to me that these entries be more of a stream of consciousness and not and editorial, as such no edits or corrections are ever made. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a wonderful day-

Love,

Noah 

   
    
  

Covering the spread

Covering the spread

   If you were hoping for sportsball talk… You know nothing about me. What I want to talk about today is relationship compatibility and personal value. Society uses a number of gauging and rating systems for such matters. Some use playing cards (“now there’s an ace or a royal flush”), some car manufacturers (“that guy/girl is an Aston Martin”), most commonly used it the number scale of one to ten (sometimes a perfect ten is referred to as a dime). 

   According to the unofficial rules of compatibility you should stay within one to two degrees of your own level. Meaning if you are a seven then you should strive to date or pursue no higher nine and no lower than a five (checked with my calculator to make sure my math was right ). It is implied that if you go higher than that you are doomed to fail, as they are too far out of your league as it were and if you go lower than that you are reaching too low and will be disappointed. I was informed that I was a strong two with a one point upgrade because I was such a nice guy and a gentlemen at age nineteen by a girl who was breaking up with me. To this day I still believe she overrated me. I also would like to take this time to go on a tangent about nice guys or the concept of being a nice guy. However that will be very long winded and we wouldn’t get back around to the point of this entry for awhile so I will write that later and put a link to it here.

   Covering the spread between your number or level and someone you are interested in on a much higher level or number is talked about in many different forums, books, movies and alike. In the film “She’s out of my league” the entire movie they debate the number system. In the movie “My best friend’s girl” they reference a new system they have come up with involving letters, which I still don’t totally understand. In the film “Titanic” DiCaprio’s character talks about a woman he knew and sketched who would Coke to the same bar every night wearing every piece of jewellery she owned hoping to attract a man.

   I wonder what exactly all goes into your number, level or rating? Is it just simply your looks? Physically are you in shape? Do you posses the qualities society deems as physically attractive? Do you have a pleasant personality? Good money, cars, a home? Are there corrections and alterations with each factor? Are you given a base value based solely on the “Cover of your book” (metaphorically speaking) and then you are deducted points for physical shortcomings and poor personality traits? Or given points for positive qualities?

   I know there are people out there who believe that you should never date somebody who is not as attractive as you are or more attractive than you are. I know People who believe you should only date someone who is more attractive than you if you have a good, healthy ego because if  you love yourself and believe you’re attractive- I envy you-, don’t believe that looks are very important,  don’t get paranoid and jealous easily then, then and only then should you do so.(he said wishing he could add another “then” some how to the last sentence) Personally I think each case is different and subject to its own merits. 

I think that the only reason you should be in a relationship with somebody is because you believe that you and your partner should be happy.

   And I don’t believe that you have be 100% compatible with somebody in order to have a happy and successful relationship with them. I feel like-I know we as Americans use the term or the phrase “I feel like” way too much however – I feel like if you truly care for somebody in a way that you can’t explain or put into words then you’re willing to work with their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and their flaws. 

   Of course that being said there is probably several areas that should be within the realm of close to being compatible. 1- One of those been faith and spirituality. Most of the time who we are as a person starts with our faith and our spirituality. If you have a belief system or or a foundation in something that is so important to you, you would want for that same foundation to be the same or similar in someone that you want to call your partner. 2- Intimacy. People differ on how comfortable they are with different levels of intimacy and it’s important that you and your partner are comfortable  with the level of intimacy that you share with each other. People have many different ways they choose to be intimate with another person and thus it’s important that both people in the relationship are open to communicating their likes and dislikes when it comes to such things. Ignorant discomfort can be the quickest and most unexpected death to another wise lovely relationship. 3- Life tempo and prioritisation. People live life at different speeds some people like to be fast and loud and constantly on the go and always experiencing new things constantly and living life like they shouldn’t sleep or rest until they are dead, (some people like to use way too many “and”s in a sentence) where as others choose to live a more relaxed and leisurely life taking time to enjoy each moment. There are also many levels inbetween or if you are as messed up as I am your both at the same time. It is important that you and your partner at least similar in this regard because making yourself live a certain way or at a certain speed always different priorities then are you home because you want to be with someone will ultimately make you very unhappy and possibly come to resent the person you’re in a relationship with. Then I’m sure there is probably much more and if I were more intelligent person I could think of them. But covering the spread could simply mean in some cases that you have to learn to accept your partner as they are and work with them in a way that keep you both happy. I fear and believe that I myself might be to screwed up, off centre, and flawed that I could never make anyone happy in all sincerity because it’s impossible for me to make myself happy first.

   I think that despite any kind of rating system and compatibility, if you find a partner who makes you happy and thus feel whole… Then together you are a ten. If their negatives get filled by your positives and Vice versa putting the two of you together like a puzzle creates a much more perfect being, if you will. Maybe you aren’t ready to meet that person yet. If that’s the case every morning you should try to do something your future partner will thank you for one day. But I’ve been wrong before… It was in the third grade. 

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you got something out of it. As always I am not a mental health professional by any means. Also I am not a relationship guru whatsoever. Should you desire to inform me of your opinion whether it be of a negative or positive connotation feel free to email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@Gmail.com . I am in the midst of finishing my first novel and you should look forward to hearing more about that at a later date. 
I am not a mental health professional if you do need or even feel like you need help please reach out to (212) 673-3000 a free hotline if you need to talk. 
   

The above is a picture of a very unhealthy dinner that was amazing! Buffalo wings and fried pickles but they were white dill spears not chips! This, except that horrible white substance they call ranch was eaten at

Dublin Street Pub

 1745 E University Ave

Las Cruces, New Mexico

 88001

United States