Today I had an anxiety attack brought on by a an acute wave of severe depression. I went from waking up with this sincere impression that I and my life were both failures to coming very close to killing my self (unintentionally). Which to be honest is more of a norm in my life than any other way of waking up, however it was just an elevated or more effective eagre of depression. I told my self that I wouldn’t let it win and went along with my day as usual I went to my favourite place to write and also serves amazing breakfast tacos. Literally every thought I had be van to pattern its self and end with, “why? what does it even matter? No one who matters will ever care! Wouldn’t be easier to not try and amount to anything than to fail at surmounting to be anything…” I just couldn’t shake it. So I got nothing done and had to repeatedly tell the server that I was okay even though I had tear stained cheeks and could barely talk. I paid for the uneaten meal including a $5 tip and left. I was walking in a haze each step felt like it was springy as if I were in moon boots or gravity shoes. Then on my way home it really set in. Like there was a very heavy demon siting on my chest preventing me from breathing and viciously torturing me emotionally. It doesn’t help that I was driving a six speed in traffic. If there was ever a list of the top ten worst places (mental note to write one) working a clutch in 6 lanes of traffic would be on it. I put my hazards on and began to work my way insanely slowly over to the side of the highway. By this point I had lost all my senses except sight which was still clouded and narrowing. Once I was there I opened my door and fell out gasping for breath and praying for it to end. My legs started to feel weird. They started to feel weird because I didn’t pull the parking break and my flailing foot must have knock the stick shift out of gear so my car was beginning to roll away. I rolled my head over to look back to see my hand millimetres away from my back tire (which in my head resembled the huge rolling Boulder from Indiana Jones) I can literally remember the stream of consciousness that said, “boy I sure hope I can move my hand out of the way in time”. I yanked my hand out of the way sat up at my waist lunged forward and grabbed the steering wheel and yanked as hard as I could to pull my fat ass back into the cab and succeeded only in slamming my forehead into the frame of the open door. I fell back and smacked my head on the pavement for the second time and tried my best to will my car to stop. Which as most ventures in my life failed miserably. By now my car had rolled a good yard away from me so that my feet were by the rear tire . I put my foot on the tire with the hopes of stoping it like a brake but succeeded in only pushing it away. I put my foot up behind my bumper and got it to merely slow down a bit. I sat up and finely stood but leaned on the trunk which pushed it forward again. I then ran around to the driver side to dive in and in mid air my car gently bumped into a telephone pole which altered my planed trajectory so I basically just lept into the console of my car slamming my head into the passenger car door and for now… no reason. I pulled the parking break out of sheer aggravation and opened my passenger door then tucked and rolled out that side of my car onto that part of the road that is pavement partially covered by grass and cried without the ability to hear how loud I was. I finally rolled my self up then turned around and sat with my back to the back door of the passenger side of my car and pulled my knees up to my chest. Something moved out of right side of my peripheral vision which caused me to flinch and almost give my self whiplash only to focus my vision on a small Hispanic lady who pulled over to help and holding the hands of her twin daughters. ( I think they were twins but for all I know none of them might not have existed at all. ) she was waving to get my attention and I assume asking if I needed help. I tried to yell out that I was fine. I don’t know what noise came out but she pulled her girls closer to her. My iPhone fell out of my shirt pocket (I have no idea how it stayed in there) but when I picked it up it vibrated telling me I got an email. When swiped it open it was from a production company informing me that they were passing on a screenplay. I then took what I think was my first breath in ten minutes which felt like a kick to the chest but then of course my chest began to untighten, I began to hear the traffic as well as the Spanish from the nice young lady and feel the heat from the pavement beneath me. Then I began to laugh hysterically at the thought of how comically horrible the situation was and how I couldn’t wait to tell it on stage. So this nice young Hispanic lady who stopped on the side of the street to help me and saw the whole ordeal watches me go through all of that and then watches me to proceed to laugh uncontrollably to the point of cackling. Her eyes widened she grabbed her daughters and left this obviously escaped criminally insane mental patient. My iPhone vibrated once more and I looked down at my phone to see another new email from the Writers Guild Foundation saying that I had been accepted into program based upon my potential as a writer. I bowed my head and thanked God for the whole of it and went about my day. Of course I called my mom and family first.
This is currently my favourite awkward plot point in my life story. I don’t want to take this time to tell you to find the silver lining or the lesson that you can learn from every situation bad or good. Because you know that we are taught that at a young age. What I do want to tell you is how important it is to have a game plan. I normally handle anxiety attacks very well obviously this time I didn’t. If you are prescribed medicine stick with it, stay in that regiment and discuss your findings and feelings with your therapist regularly. If for any reason you have to stop taking your mess be prepared to alter your daily life as such if that means slowing your self down to process things then do so. If you need to take beat and allow yourself to acclimate to a situation so you can traverse through it in a more emotionally healthy manner then do so. I normally have a game plan set up for moment of severe depression or anxiety.
1. Know your warning signs Physically; what do you do how do you feel? Mentally; what do you think what sensations normal do you experience? And Kat but not least Behaviour; How do you behave, react or what do you do or start to do when an attack comes on.
2. So once I recognise what is happening I go into a turbo mode and quickly get my self to a safe place both literally and metaphorically. I pray for help and guidance as well as safety both emotionally and physically. Then I wait.
3. Then attack and defend. Guard your self with reassuring good and happy thoughts. The best offence is a good defence attack any thing depressing or downing with rejection and telling your self that you got s lot of things going for you and more than half of them you can’t even see that you are ignorant of. Never allow any thought of “what if” enter your consciousness both bad and good “what if”s are no win scenarios so if you just shut them down instantly you can save your self a great deal of heartache. Remember a thought is just a thought a uncontrollable ‘blah’ it is not a message from God or an alien or any other force. As soon as you start to give a thought, bad or good some elevated position of hierarchy it will have that much more contorll over you and your emotions.
4. Recover. Come down easy. It’s important to breath and know that you are breathing! The awareness or impression rather that you can not breath will only increase your anxiety and crescendo the severity. So breath tell your self it is going to be alright.
Also as always I’m not a doctor or mental health professional. These are just my findings as a flawed member off humanity.
If you are ever in San Antonio Texas go to Gilberts Mexican Restraunt for both breakfast and lunch. If for breakfast get two tacos (one with Bacon, egg and cheese and one with Country sausage, egg and cheese) if for lunch get the Havi Special with no lettuce …because lettuce is of the devil and you don’t want that in your life… Tell them El Rambo sent you! The Restraunt is in the back of the Strip mall and it’s the best!
8161 Latigo Dr, San Antonio, TX 78227
My intention is that you are able to take away some positivity and help for yourself. However if you feel as though life would be better with out me you can always email me at TheDepartmentOfComplaints@gmail.com .
I hope you laughed and maybe learned something.